Paris Hilton Fired Publicist, Astrologer, Chef

Paris Hilton, 26, has come out swinging after being sentenced to spend forty-five days behind bars. Paris Hilton Fired Publicist, Astrologer, Chef, said a recent headline, in an apparent effort to prove that she meant what she said when she told a Los Angeles judge, “I’m going to start paying attention to everything from now on.”

At a hearing last Friday, Ms. Hilton testified that she was unaware when police stopped her for driving without headlights on February 27 that her driving privileges had been “like totally” suspended.

“I was aware my license was suspended in November because my newspaper clipping service told me about it,” said Ms. Hilton. “When I called my publicist (Elliot Mintz) to ask if this meant I couldn’t drive any more, he said I could drive again after thirty days, as long as I drove only at night and only with the headlights off. I relied on that advice, and look where it got me.”

Mr. Mintz was not available for comment, but a receptionist in his office said, “Obviously Elliot was joking. Duh. Anybody who would believe that would believe Vitamin-C enemas can cure herpes.”

Ms. Hilton also announced she was firing her hotline astrologer, Guru Shri Rupinder Magoo, with whom she has been working since the first of the year. The guru is gone because he told Ms. Hilton that February 27 was a good day to take a drive, “especially with the stars as your guide.”

According to Ms. Hilton, she had used a twenty-four-hour astrology-hotline service in Los Angeles for several years, but as of January 1 the hotline’s telephone center had been moved to New Delhi.

“It’s impossible to understand what those people are saying,” Ms. Hilton complained. “Why don’t they learn to speak English if they’re going to charge $200 an hour for advice?”

After Ms. Hilton had announced the firings of Mr. Mintz and Mr. Magoo, she told reporters she was letting her personal chef go also.

Unlike the other sackings, this one was not related to drive-by advice. Apparently the chef had a heavy hand with truffle oil, and he refused to prepare tuna any way but rare, telling Ms. Hilton during one heated exchange, “You might as well eat cat food straight out of the can as to eat tuna cooked medium.”

Next Oprah: Stop Taking Orders from Your Chef  

If the public pratfalls of Hollywood’s overpaid, virtue-signaling drama llamas make your day as they make ours, check out these Celebrity Shockers — where meltdowns, mugshots, and micro-bikinis collide.

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