VICARSTOWN, Sodor – Thomas the Tank Engine has been sued for sexual harassment by Lady Jane Hatt and her granddaughter Bridgett. The beloved tank engine was subjected to a perp push by another tank engine and the Angry Policeman, who lived up to his name by continually telling the paparazzi to “Fuck off!”
According to The Railway Inspectors’ report, Thomas repeatedly thrust his caboose at Lady Hatt suggestively—in addition to making lewd advances at her granddaughter, Bridgett Hatt. He also left a thin line of grease on a Coke can, which was discovered by the Refreshment Lady.
Thomas’ spokesperson, the Very Important Person, said Thomas was merely trying to garner some of the attention given to other famous Thomases like New York Knicks coach Isaiah Thomas and Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, who have been involved in sexual harassment cases.
“Thomas was just trying to fit in with the other Thomases,” the Very Important Person said.
The Fat Controller confirmed that Thomas has been suspended from Tank Engine duty until a full investigation is completed.
The Very Important Person also said that Thomas may have received bad advice from a native of the island of Sodor suspected of similar behavior.
In a related story, the Vicar of Wellsworth climbed aboard Percy the Small Engine and has not been seen since.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.