US Prepared for Flu Pandemic Says Bush
WASHINGTON — President George W. Bush said yesterday that he is confident the United States can avoid a bird-related Flu Panic that could theoretically leave tens of thousands of Americans clucking their last. Bush said he plans to ask Congress for emergency authority to temporarily suspend the serving of suspiciously poultry-themed dishes in national chain restaurants until further notice.
By invoking the little-known None-From-Column-A subsection of a dusty homeland-security appendix, the president acknowledged the seriousness of the virus, which is currently making headlines overseas. The initial symptoms, which appear within forty-eight to seventy-two hours after ingesting contaminated fowl, include pecking at food, windmilling both arms as if preparing for liftoff, and attempting to communicate via barnyard-style vocal warm-ups. From there the condition allegedly progresses to frantic running and dramatic collapse with one’s legs pointed ceiling-ward, as per standard farm-chore cinema.
Vice Admiral Richard H. Carmona, M.D., F.A.C.S., H.M.F.I.C., the 17th surgeon general of the United States, warns that the Flu Panic virus is especially concerning because it may be spread not only by consuming improperly vetted poultry but also by exchanging bodily fluids with an asymptomatic carrier.
“Fortunately, once symptoms are visible, there is little risk of secondary transmission,” Carmona said, “because that would require the kind of questionable decision-making seldom seen outside late-night cable programming.”
According to White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, “Once the None-From-Column-A edict goes into effect, any restaurant operator or franchised employee caught preparing or serving questionable poultry-adjacent menu items may be detained indefinitely at an undisclosed hospitality facility with minimal concierge perks for as long as the administration deems operationally delightful. These measures, however, do not apply to establishments that specialize in entirely non-avian cuisine.”
The poultry announcement received immediate applause from America’s chicken-industry aristocracy. Jim Bob Perdue, chairman of Perdue Poultry Farms, briefly interrupted a deluxe theater vacation in Branson, Missouri, to address reporters.
“America is at war with terror,” said Perdue from the steps of his recreational command center. “Our citizens, like our soldiers, march on their stomachs; and they cannot march effectively if they are simultaneously hugging porcelain.”
Although broadly supportive of the administration’s stance, Perdue hinted he would like to see the poultry-pause expanded to include duck-themed entrées, heritage goose preparations, and “any meal requiring citrus-enhanced glaze.”
In related news, several independently operated eateries with vaguely bird-themed branding reported vandalism shortly after the president’s announcement. Authorities reminded the public that no level of emotional patriotism should be expressed using bricks, rocks, or hurled take-out containers.