United 93 Audience Rushes Screen

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MORGANTOWN, Penna. – Moviegoers at the Tri-County Multiplex rushed the screen during the 7:20 showing of United 93 Saturday night, shouting “let’s roll” and “death to all towel heads.”

While most of the audience sat praying in its seats and some persons tried to phone loved ones, dozens of enraged persons ran down the aisles of theater 6, where United 93 was being shown. When they reached the front of the theater, they hurled 42-ounce containers of Pepsi and 1-pound boxes of Raisinettes at the screen before going on a rampage throughout the rest of the nine-theater multiplex.

Several members of the United 93 audience stormed into theater 5, where the new Robin Williams comedy, RV, was playing.

“You suck,” they shouted at the audience. “How can you sit here and watch this s*** when people are dying for their country next door?”

Before Morgantown police restored order, screenings of The BenchwarmersAkeelah and the BeeAmerican Dreamz, and Friends with Money had been interrupted, and persons attempting to watch these movies had their courage and their patriotism derided. Some did not take kindly to the interruption.

“I served in the Gulf War,” said Butch Royalford, 37. “The closest a lot of these yahoos ever get to a firearm is at the Morgantown Rod and Gun Club, where they mainly go to get drunk. If I want to see Jennifer Aniston in a chick-flick with an indie feel, who are they to question my patriotism?”

“This has been a rough weekend for people around here,” said multiplex manager Dick Stallman. “Dale Earnhardt would have been fifty-five today, and I know that’s been preying on a lot of people’s minds.”

Mr. Stallman said that anyone who had purchased tickets for the 10:05 showing of United 93 could exchange them for tickets to another show.

In other news, writing in the op-ed page in today’s The New York Times, Democratic presidential contender Joseph Biden proposed splitting Delaware into three regions, each with two electoral votes.    

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