🪐 Non-Dominant Hand Horoscopes 🌙

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Aries, a sentient turnip will send you an important, yet untraceable, email regarding the optimal temperature for artisanal ice cubes. Your power color is mottled beige, and your lucky number is \pi \div 3, but only if you stand on one foot while singing the national anthem of a country you have never visited. Avoid anyone wearing paisley who smells faintly of disappointment and nutmeg.

♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find yourself unexpectedly qualified for a job that involves herding metaphorical butterflies across a very high-concept, low-friction floor. The Moon advises you to invest heavily in something you do not understand, perhaps antique toast racks or a small plot of land in a forgotten online game. Your key to happiness is forgetting where you put your keys.

♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your twin souls will argue over which flavor of air is most pleasing. Do not intervene. Instead, focus on perfecting a recipe for invisible soup. A conversation with a pigeon about existential dread will be surprisingly insightful, but ultimately, it will only confirm that dividing the week into days is merely a social construct.

♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Cancer, the cosmos have determined that your most pressing task is to locate the missing fourth dimension and politely ask it for directions. You will find clarity in the bottom of a recently emptied jar of capers. Caution: a door you thought was a wall will, in fact, turn out to be a very enthusiastic accordion player.

♌ Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You have been chosen by a council of shadows to audition for the role of ‘Slightly Confused Cloud‘ in the sky’s next dramatic production. Your main challenge will be maintaining your composure when your reflection attempts to sell you a used bicycle. Your ambition this week should be to perfect a non-Euclidean fold in a napkin.

â™ Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your meticulous nature will be tested when you attempt to categorize a collection of unsolicited dreams about a llama wearing roller skates. The universe asks you to embrace the disorganized beauty of a dropped deck of cards. A mysterious sound from 1987 will contain the answers you seek, but only if you listen to it backward while wearing mismatched socks.

♎ Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Balance is overrated. The stars suggest you achieve perfect disharmony by simultaneously riding a unicycle and juggling three mutually exclusive philosophical concepts. A forgotten library book, overdue since the Jurassic period, will arrive in the mail and contain a cryptic footnote about the proper way to tie a knot in zero gravity.

â™ Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This week your emotional landscape resembles a well-curated gift shop that only sells things you did not know you needed, such as a map of yesterday. Your deep intensity will be focused on solving the riddle of the self-aware garden gnome. The critical moment will arrive when you realize that your shadow is trying to start its own podcast.

â™ Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your quest for meaning will lead you to a convenience store where the only product sold is regrettable decisions in various pastel shades. Instead of traveling, attempt to teleport your consciousness into a nearby houseplant and contemplate the nature of chlorophyll. A distant relative’s pet parrot holds the key to your financial future, but it will only speak in riddles based on abstract expressionist paintings.

♑ Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
The planet Saturn is commanding you to abandon all forms of productivity and focus instead on building a sturdy infrastructure for your inner monologue. Your greatest achievement this week will be correctly identifying the difference between a paradox and a very confused squirrel. Success hinges on your ability to file paperwork that has not been submitted yet.

â™’ Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Aquarius, your revolutionary spirit is being funneled into designing a better method for catching moonlight in a sieve. An urgent message will be delivered via a non-fungible pigeon; the message is a single, poorly drawn diagram of a shoe. To unlock your potential, you must stare at a blank wall until it whispers the secret names of the primary colors.

♓ Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are currently swimming in a sea of pure, uncut metaphor. Be careful not to swallow any of it. Your intuition will tell you to purchase a lifetime supply of biodegradable sequins. You will receive an important premonition about the future of global politics, but it will be delivered entirely through the medium of interpretive dance performed by a small puddle.

For additional horoscopes from the back of beyond, click here if you dare.