Feline Horoscopes: The Litter Box of Destiny

Hark. The heavens have shifted and the universe has finally decided to speak through creatures that actually matter. Thus, these feline horoscopes. Do not come to us with your questions about the stars or the alignment of distant gas giants. We have consulted the only authorities worth their salt. Cats do not care about your feelings and they certainly do not care about your schedule. They are judging you from behind the curtain of time and they find your efforts lackluster at best. Prepare yourself for the cold truth of the paw.

🐈The Abyssinian (October 23 – November 21) …You are an athlete of the soul, sprinting toward a goal that does not exist

But you are moving far too slowly for the current pace of reality. The cosmos demands a frantic sprint toward a goal that you will likely forget once you arrive. If you find yourself perched upon the refrigerator looking down at the common folk, stay there. The view is better and the air is thinner. Avoid the vacuum cleaner of destiny today.

🐾The Persian (September 23 – October 22) … You are a luxury item that demands constant maintenance and zero noise.

Silence is the only acceptable soundtrack for your feline horoscopes afternoon. Someone will attempt to brush your ego or perhaps your hair. Do not allow it. If the world feels like it is spinning too fast, simply close your eyes and pretend that everyone else has ceased to exist. Your luxury is non negotiable.

🌑The Siamese (May 21 – June 20) … You are loud, you are double-faced, and you never stop talking.

You have a great deal to say and you are going to say it at three o’clock in the morning. The neighbors do not appreciate your insight but that is a failure of their own character. Keep screaming until the universe provides the specific brand of tuna you requested. High pitched demands are the only way to ensure your needs are met.

✨The Maine Coon (July 23 – August 22) … You are massive, majestic, and entirely convinced the world is your stage.

Your feline horoscopes say you are a giant among insects. Walk with heavy paws and knock something expensive off a shelf just to feel the rush of gravity. Your presence is overwhelming and slightly terrifying to those who live in your shadow. Embrace the chaos of your own size. If you fit, you sit, but you probably do not fit.

🧶The Sphynx (August 23 – September 22) … You are exposed, practical, and likely need a sweater and a therapist.

You are feeling exposed and perhaps a bit chilly. The lack of a metaphorical coat means you must seek out the nearest radiator of human affection. Do not be ashamed of your wrinkles or your intensity. You look like an ancient alien because you are one. Demand a sweater and a sacrifice by nightfall.

🥫The Scottish Fold (June 21 – July 22( … You are a sensitive ball of anxiety hiding under the bed of your own emotions.

Your ears are folded because you have heard enough of the nonsense that plagues this planet. You are currently a puddle of quiet contemplation. If a human tries to engage you in a conversation about their career or their digital currency or their feline horoscopes, just stare into the middle distance until they become uncomfortable and leave the room. Your stillness is your greatest weapon.

🧿The Bengal (October 23 – November 21) … You are a chaotic force of nature currently destroying the curtains of life.

There is a wildness in your soul that the suburbs cannot contain. You are currently plotting a grand escape that involves climbing the curtains of your own ambition. If you feel the urge to hunt a moth or a dream, do it with maximum violence. You were not born to be a decorative pillow. You were born to parkour off the walls of your own destiny.

👑The Ragdoll September (23 – October 22) … You have zero backbone and go limp the moment life becomes difficult.

You have reached a level of apathy that is truly divine. When life picks you up and shakes you, your only response is to go limp and hope for the best. This is not weakness. This is a sophisticated defense mechanism. Let the world carry your weight for a change. If you fall, ensure that you land on something soft and expensive.

☄️The Russian Blue (December 22 – January 19) … You are a cold, calculating professional who has no time for amateur hour.

You are far too elegant for the company you keep. Your silver coat of armor protects you from the vulgarity of the common sort. Spend your evening in a shadow, watching the fools stumble through the light. You possess secrets that would turn a dog to stone. Reveal nothing. Your mystery is the only thing keeping you relevant.

🦴The Munchkin (January 20 – February 18) … You are a quirky little weirdo who insists on doing everything the hard way.

Do not let the length of your legs define the height of your spirit. You may have to work twice as hard to reach the counter of success, but the view from the top is much sweeter when you have scrambled for it. Avoid long hallways and tall grass. Focus on the low hanging fruit of life. It tastes just as good and requires much less jumping.

🕳️The Manx (February 19 – March 20) … You are a dreamy, tail-less wonder skulking  through a psychic fog.

You are missing something vital and the universe finds the absence quite humorous. Perhaps it is your dignity or perhaps it is a literal appendage. It does not matter. You must learn to balance your checkbook and your soul without the rudder of tradition. If you feel like you are chasing a ghost that is not there, it is because you are. Move forward with a rabbit hop of faith and hope that no one notices your lack of a conclusion.

🏜️The Burmese (October 23 – November 21) … You are intense, possessive, and likely plotting a murder in the hallway.

You are a stage actor trapped in the mundane body of an extra. Your need for attention is a black hole that will eventually swallow your entire neighborhood. If you are not the center of the universe for more than five minutes, you feel the cold hand of death upon your shoulder. Go forth and demand that every person you encounter acknowledges your superior bone structure. You do not just want love. You want total and absolute adoration delivered on a silver platter. Or else.

For additional horoscopes from the back of beyond, click here if you dare.

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