Signs that Modern Civilization Is Buffering
Civilization has survived plagues, wars, economic catastrophies, disco, and regular announcements that civilization itself was about to end. The latest consensus among cultural observers is considerably less dramatic. Modern civilization is not collapsing. It is buffering. Somewhere between “Please Wait” and “This May Take a Few Moments,” the world appears to have become trapped behind that dreaded spinning wheel.
Dr. Lionel Brisk, 58, a sociologist from Eugene, Oregon, believes the evidence has become impossible to ignore.
“Civilizations used to fail gloriously,” said Brisk, whose doctoral dissertation examined the emotional lives of abandoned shopping carts. “Ours keeps asking whether we would like to retry.”
Among the clearest buffering symptoms is the nation’s relationship with technology. Household appliances now demand software updates before performing the tasks for which they ẃere purchased. One Ohio family reportedly postponed breakfast for forty-three minutes while their toaster activated a security patch protecting it from unauthorized bagels.
Consumer behavior has likewise entered a holding pattern. Marsha Ellery, 46, a customer experience consultant from Plano, Texas, maintains a spreadsheet documenting every time she has heard the phrase, “We are experiencing higher than normal call volumes than usual.” It now exceeds 2,000 entries.
“If the call volume has been above normal since 2018,” Ellery observed, “perhaps normal quietly left without telling anyone.”
Elsewhere, self-checkout lanes continue serving as public demonstrations of learned helplessness. Entire queues of otherwise competent adults gather respectfully around an unexpected item in the bagging area until a seventeen-year-old employee arrives carrying the sacred override barcode.
Daily conversation has also slowed to buffering speed. Increasingly, discussions begin not with facts but with the phrase, “I saw a video…” The source is seldom identified because modern civilization has concluded that locating evidence would unnecessarily delay confidence.
Meanwhile, passwords have evolved into medieval epics requiring uppercase letters, lowercase letters, symbols, numerals, ancient runes, and proof that the user has experienced personal growth since the previous login.
Professor Brisk remains cautiously optimistic, however. “Civilization is still connected,” he said. “It simply appears to be running on hotel Wi-Fi.”
Experts recommend remaining calm, avoiding unnecessary multitasking, and resisting the temptation to unplug society and plug it back in again. Experience suggests that would only restart the update.
Want more digital blasphemy? Fill your boots at technological mayhem.