Department of Everyday Problems Releases Three Disturbing Reports

The Department of Everyday Problems has authorized the release of previously classified reports concerning three disturbing issues.

County Man Enters Garage for One Thing, Emerges 47 Minutes Later Without It
Harold Bixler, 63, a retired plumbing inspector who has owned the same unfinished birdhouse since 2008, entered his garage shortly after noon to retrieve a single item. He emerged forty-seven minutes later carrying an extension cord, a flashlight with dead batteries, and a screwdriver he had accused his wife of losing in March. Bixler could not recall why he went into the garage.

Nation’s USB Cable Population Reaches Critical Mass
The Department of Household Infrastructure announced that domestic USB cable reserves have reached critical mass, with most households possessing enough miscellaneous cable to connect every appliance manufactured since 2014. Ironically, no household reported being able to locate the specific cable required for an immediate task. Researchers identified fourteen distinct cable types, thirteen of which are incorrect at any given moment. The remaining cable is believed to be in a drawer that nobody has opened since last Christmas.

Study Finds Most Households Maintain One Chair Dedicated Exclusively to Holding Things
A nationwide survey revealed that nearly every home contains one chair that no longer performs in a seating capacity. The chair typically supports clothing, unopened packages, reusable shopping bags, important paperwork, and at least one object that belongs elsewhere but has acquired permanent residency. Attempts to reclaim the chair have historically failed because removing its contents requires identifying somewhere else to put them. Researchers now classify the chair as a load-bearing household structure.

The Pug Bus News Desk contains a curated list here of the best news that is unfit to print.