Amish Blame Pennsylvania Measles Outbreak on Suspicious Technology Called Vaccination
LANCASTER, Pa. — Amish leaders investigating the Pennsylvania measles outbreak have identified a major contributing factor: the medical technology known as vaccination.
The discovery came after state health officials traveled through Lancaster County encouraging residents to receive the measles, mumps, and rubella (MMR) vaccine, which has been available since 1971 but apparently remains under review in portions of Pennsylvania.
The Amish elders determined that measles is not being spread by outsiders, electricity, or buttons. State health officials who arrived in Lancaster County with MMR vaccines discovered that their biggest logistical problem is explaining why the medicine does not require a barn raising.
“We never had this much measles until people started making a fuss about preventing measles,” said Eli Stoltzfus, 58, an Amish cabinetmaker who owns three cordless drills but tells visitors they belong to his cousin.
“You introduce something called a measles vaccine, and suddenly everybody is talking about measles.”
Stoltzfus considered the coincidence troubling. “Nobody around here was getting vaccinated two hundred years ago,” he said. “And you never heard anybody complaining about an outbreak.”
Pennsylvania health officials responded by announcing the Amish-Compatible Immunization Initiative, designed to deliver modern medicine without alarming anybody.
Under the program, vaccines, kept chilled on blocks of ice, will arrive by horse-drawn buggy. Appointment reminders will be delivered verbally by a man named Amos standing near the end of the driveway shouting. QR codes have been replaced by quilts.
“We want everyone to feel comfortable,” said Marjorie Kessler, 46, a Department of Health outreach coordinator who keeps twelve reusable shopping bags inside another reusable shopping bag.
“The vaccine contains no electricity, has never been on TikTok, and will not attempt to connect itself to the nearest Wi-Fi.”
Officials also demonstrated that the syringe has no Bluetooth capability and cannot automatically order anything from Amazon.
By yesterday afternoon, health workers had vaccinated 117 residents at a temporary clinic beside a produce stand offering tomatoes, shoofly pie, and a handwritten warning that peaches were not quite ready yet.
State epidemiologists now believe the outbreak can be contained. Indeed, Pennsylvania has already formed a seventeen-member commission to determine whether horse-drawn vaccine delivery qualifies for Medicaid reimbursement.
The horse has retained counsel.
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