Trump Demands Nobel Peace Prize for Ending Eight Wars, Including War of the Roses
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump, 80, a former casino owner who has never forgiven the roulette wheel for occasionally disagreeing with him, is demanding the Nobel Peace Prize for ending eight wars, several of which historians insist were already over.
The White House has declined to release a complete inventory, but sources familiar with the president’s calculations believe the list includes the War of the Roses, the War on Drugs, the Cola Wars, the War on Christmas, the Hundred Years’ War, the War Between the Sexes, the Battle of the Bulge, and a particularly nasty disagreement between two contestants on The Price Is Right.
Trump reportedly settled the War of the Roses by threatening tariffs on both families, despite their having been dead for five centuries. The War on Drugs ended after pharmaceutical companies agreed to stop advertising during his favorite television programs.
Despite his boasting, not all of Trump’s military campaigns have succeeded. He remains bogged down in the War on Windmills, having suffered repeated casualties among beachfront property values. His War on Toilets ended in a humiliating overflow, while his War on Showerheads produced only modest territorial gains. The War on Hair Loss remains classified. Meanwhile, the War in the Ukraine continues, despite Trump’s repeated assurances that resolving it would merely require twenty-four hours and a telephone.
Trump also questioned the credentials of the woman who received the Nobel Peace Prize instead. “Never heard of her. Maria Corina Macaroni, or whatever her name is. Nobody has. I asked some VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE. Nobody knows Maria Carolina Macarena. What wars did she stop? I stopped eight. She stopped zero. And now Miss Maraschino gets my prize. Very unfair.”
Norwegian officials have reportedly explained that the Nobel Peace Prize is awarded for contributions to peace, not for collecting imaginary ceasefires like commemorative spoons. Trump has nevertheless ordered construction of a presidential trophy case large enough to accommodate the eight missing awards. The case will remain empty until Norway surrenders unconditionally.
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