Small Pennsylvania Towns Capable of Supporting More Vape Shops
MATAMORAS, PA — A landmark study released by the Pennsylvania Institute for Commercial Mysteries (PICM) has confirmed that Small Pennsylvania Towns, regardless of population, geographic size, or demonstrated demand, can support additional vape shops.
“We initially believed the market would become saturated,” said lead researcher Dr. Raymond Kessler, 54, a commercial ecologist who has been carrying the same CVS receipt in his coat pocket for six months. “Instead, we discovered that vape shops obey ecological principles separate from those governing ordinary businesses.”
According to the PICM study, vape shops behave less like retail establishments than an invasive species. Whenever one closes, three new shops emerge in nearby strip malls, usually occupying spaces previously inhabited by tax preparation offices, frozen-yogurt stores, tanning salons, or other vape shops
Researchers stationed outside vape shops for several months reported sporadic customer activity. Nevertheless, new locations continued appearing at a rate normally associated with mushrooms after heavy rain.
The study found that the average Pennsylvania resident knows the locations of six vape shops, has entered none of them, and cannot name a single person who has.
“I couldn’t tell you who shops there,” said Milford resident Robert Haines, 47, a retired cable installer who keeps a flashlight in every room because he does not trust electricity. Haines passes four vape shops during a seven-minute drive to buy groceries.
“I’ve never met anybody who admits going inside one,” he said. “As far as I know, they reproduce through spores.”
Researchers now favor a more radical theory: Vape shops may not be businesses at all but a naturally occurring stage in the life cycle of American commercial real estate. First comes a dollar store. Then a tax-preparation service. Then a mattress outlet that survives for eleven years without anybody ever being seen buying a mattress. The final stage is a vape shop.
State officials welcomed the findings. “The Commonwealth remains committed to ensuring convenient access to vaping merchandise for every resident,” said Marjorie Peltz, 51, deputy secretary of the fictional Pennsylvania Department of Retail Density, who can return anything without a receipt. “Current preparedness standards require citizens to encounter no fewer than three vape shops while searching for a hardware store.”
Peltz said rural areas remain a concern. “There are still Pennsylvanians who can drive almost nine minutes without seeing the words Smoke or Vape,” she said. “We consider those communities critically underserved.”
The institute has already begun its next study, examining how towns with declining populations continue supporting an apparently unlimited number of self-storage facilities.
Preliminary findings suggest the storage units contain excess inventory from vape shops.
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