LONDON – Scientologist Tom Cruise was “attacked” last night by a Harry Potter fan wielding a water pistol disguised as a microphone. The attack occurred as Cruise was talking to some of the five thousand fans who had packed Leicester Square for the star-studded premiere of “War of the Worlds” in which Cruise appears.
Cruise had just introduced his “incomparable fiancee” Katie Holmes to reporters and—following a spirited bout of tonsil hockey—was beginning to explain why he believes marrying a virgin is important for emotional and financial success in marriage. Suddenly a man posing as a Channel 4 interviewer thrust a microphone into Cruise’ face and shouted, “Enogeb, ouht nwaps fo darbbuh (Begone, thou spawn of Hubbard).”
The “interviewer” squirted Cuise repeatedly, chanting “Tuo, tuo, elttil triuqs (Out, out, little squirt),” while the three men accompanying the interviewer took pictures with their cell phones.
Cruise struggled to retain his composure, no mean feat when one’s nipples are protruding through one’s shirt. He breathed deeply, then recited his Scientology mantra. Eventually, however, he lost control.
“Why would you do that?” he asked. “Why would you do that?”
When the “reporter” mumbled inaudibly, Cruise shouted, “Do you like thinking less of people? Is that it?”
The reporter, looking more and more uncomfortable and fearful for his safety, attempted to retire gracefully.
“Don’t run away,” screamed Cruise. “Don’t you dare run away.
“That’s incredibly rude,” Cruise continued, waving his arms madly. “I’m here giving interviews, and you do that? It’s incredibly rude. You’re a jerk … a jerk … an unprincipled jerk.”
At that point, several police stepped between the bogus reporter and Cruise, who had begun jumping up and down as though he were riding an invisible pogo stick. The police then escorted the reporter and his “news crew” to safety.
After being taken into custody, the reporter told police that he and his “mates” were part of the cast of a new Channel 4 comedy program whose script includes playing light-hearted pranks on celebrities and members of the public. The reporter also confessed that he is a Harry Potter fan and that he was attempting to “exorcise whatever demons have taken possession of Mr. Cruise, who was, up until recently, a sensible chap really.”
Channel 4, for its part, rushed to apologize to Cruise when it was revealed that the actor was thinking about pressing charges.
“The stunt was intended to be light-hearted rather than malicious,” said a spokesperson for the channel. “We would apologize to Mr. Cruise for any offence that was caused.”
Cruise was not available to the press this morning, but Katie Holmes, speaking on condition of anonymity, said she “thought the whole thing was just another one of those cool publicity stunts that Tom and his sister keep thinking up.”
In other news, Drunks Against Mad Mothers has lent its voice to the chorus of groups condemning the attack on Leonardo DiCaprio last weekend.
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