Bush to Assume Presidency in Continuing White House Shakeup

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Left high and dry by declining poll numbers and eroding public confidence, George W. Bush continues his shakeup of the White House in an effort to salvage his second term. Yesterday Scott McClellan, the sweaty, pink-faced presidential press secretary, resigned; and Karl Rove, the sweaty, pink-faced deputy chief of staff known as “Bush’s brain,” was told he would not be allowed to make policy decisions any longer.

Today Mr. Bush is expected to announce an even more explosive change: Vice President Dick Cheney will no longer function as this country’s de facto president.

“This means, in effect, that the boss is ready to be the boss,” said a White House insider. “From here on out, when somebody says, ‘The president thinks . . .,’ that person won’t be talking about Dick Cheney.”

Mr. Bush’s moves are seen as a risky, yet cunning, effort to take a sad song and make it better, said Hardball‘s Chris Matthews.

        “By announcing very publicly that Karl and now Dick won’t be calling the shots any longer, the president reinforces the notion that he’s been their tool. By the same token, relieving these men of their decision-making privileges strongly implies that Bush is not responsible for the mess this country’s in. What he’s saying, in effect, is: ‘Even I can do a better job than these fools.'”

“We’ll see a stronger, more confident, more articulate President Bush now that he doesn’t have to trip over the words that others put in his mouth,” declared official presidential sycophant Fred Barnes, author of Rebel in Chief.

Although Vice President Cheney’s demotion is the biggest bang in the White House re-creation, it is not expected to be the last. Sources close to the president say that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice could be the next person to be demoted. Those sources hint that Ms. Rice will asked to focus more on her secretarial duties and less on setting foreign policy.

“The only person whose position is secure is god,” said a White House insider. “In fact, now that Dick and Karl have been demoted, you can expect to hear more about god’s involvement in presidential decisions.

In other news, Aruban prosecutors have asked permission to speak to Duke lacrosse players Reade Seligmann, 20, and Collin Finnerty, 19, about the disappearance of Natalee Holloway.