Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) – You’ll make a bold decision without thinking, and for once, it might actually work out. Just don’t expect applause—people are still recovering from your last impulsive catastrophe.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) – Your commitment to comfort reaches new heights this week as you refuse to leave the couch. Productivity plummets, but you find inner peace in a burrito.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20) – You’ll argue passionately for something you don’t actually believe in, just for the thrill. People will admire your confidence and question your sanity in equal measure.
Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22) – You’ve decided to take everything personally this week. Even when the cashier says, “Have a nice day,” you’ll wonder if they were being sarcastic.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) – You’re in peak show-off mode. Your social media posts will make people question whether you’re thriving or just deeply insecure. Either way, it gets likes.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22) – Your perfectionism reaches dangerous levels. You’ll spend four hours fixing a minor typo and completely ignore your actual responsibilities.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22) – You’ll be too busy trying to please everyone to form a single original thought. You nod in agreement so much this week that people assume you’re malfunctioning.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) – Your mysterious aura is working against you. People think you’re plotting revenge, but in reality, you’re just trying to decide whether or not to text back.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) – Your reckless optimism leads you into an unnecessary adventure. Unfortunately, this involves trying gas station sushi. Good luck.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) – You’ll attempt to multitask but end up doing absolutely nothing. Expect to stare at your to-do list for hours before aggressively procrastinating.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) – Your eccentric ideas will either be revolutionary or get you kicked out of a meeting. Either way, you’ll insist you’re misunderstood.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20) – Your emotions are running the show this week. By Sunday, you’ll have cried over a commercial, a sunset, and that dog you saw from across the street.
Want another wild spin on these predictions? I’m always down for more cosmic nonsense!
