Horoscopes You Didn’t Ask For
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) – You’ll make a bold decision without thinking, and for once, it might actually work out. Just don’t expect applause–people are still recovering from your last impulsive catastrophe.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) – Your commitment to comfort reaches new heights this week as you refuse to leave the couch. Productivity plummets, but you find inner peace in a burrito.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20) – You’ll argue passionately for something you don’t actually believe in, just for the thrill. People will admire your confidence and question your sanity in equal measure.
Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22) – You’ve decided to take everything personally this week. Even when the cashier says, “Have a nice day,” you’ll wonder if they were being sarcastic.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) – You’re in peak show-off mode. Your social media posts will make people question whether you’re thriving or just deeply insecure. Either way, it gets likes.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22) – Your perfectionism reaches dangerous levels. You’ll spend four hours fixing a minor typo and completely ignore your actual responsibilities.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22) – You’ll be too busy trying to please everyone to form a single original thought. You nod in agreement so much this week that people assume you’re malfunctioning.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) – Your mysterious aura is working against you. People think you’re plotting revenge, but in reality, you’re just trying to decide whether or not to text back.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) – Your reckless optimism leads you into an unnecessary adventure. Unfortunately, this involves trying gas station sushi. Good luck.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) – You’ll attempt to multitask but end up doing absolutely nothing. Expect to stare at your to-do list for hours before aggressively procrastinating.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) – Your eccentric ideas will either be revolutionary or get you kicked out of a meeting. Either way, you’ll insist you’re misunderstood.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20) – Your emotions are running the show this week. By Sunday, you’ll have cried over a commercial, a sunset, and that dog you saw from across the street.
For additional horoscopes from hell, explore the full archive and see just how deep the cosmic rabbit hole goes.
Find Us Elsewhere
X (Twitter)