Your Closeted Horoscopes for June 29, 2025
My third eye’s twitching and the cosmos just did a spit-take.
♋ Cancer (June 21–July 22): You’ve built an emotional fortress out of oat milk cartons and passive-aggressive Post-Its. Venus wants you to feel something real today, but you’d rather reread old texts from The Pandemic. Therapy or karaoke—your call.
♌ Leo (July 23–August 22): The spotlight rang. You missed it. Left a voicemail full of glitter and vague threats. Stop rehearsing your acceptance speech for awards you invented and start earning your imaginary accolades.
♍ Virgo (August 23–September 22): You color-coded your existential crisis, and it looks adorable. Saturn is rewarding your productivity, but maybe don’t schedule “crying” between “laundry” and “apologize to Cheryl.” Emotional spontaneity is not a crime.
♎ Libra (September 23–October 22): The stars are aligned perfectly for indecision. You’ll stand in front of your closet for forty-five minutes deciding which version of yourself to disappoint today. Just wear anything. No one cares.
♏ Scorpio (October 23–November 21): Seduction is not a blood sport. Mars urges restraint, but you will insist on flirting with flight attendants, baristas, exes, and minor existential despair. Cool it, Skippy. Not everyone wants to be emotionally exfoliated.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22–December 21) You booked a spontaneous trip to find yourself, but forgot you’re allergic to self-awareness. Jupiter says it’s fine—just pretend the hiking trail was symbolic and update your Instagram captions accordingly.
♑ Capricorn (December 22–January 19): You tried to schedule a spontaneous moment and then canceled it because it clashed with your productivity summit. Loosen up, boss goat. The stars are telling you to misbehave just a little. Maybe… send a meme. With a typo.
♒ Aquarius (January 20–February 18): You’re not misunderstood—you’re just broadcasting on a frequency only you can hear. Pluto says you’re vibing too hard with your own monologue. Try listening. Or at least pretend to nod during conversations.
♓ Pisces (February 19-March 20): You’ve wept over an old toothpaste commercial and called it “shadow work.” Neptune approves, but your friends might need you to leave the dreamscape and join the group chat. At least respond with an emoji.
♈ Aries (March 21–April 19): You’ve mistaken blind confidence for divine destiny again, haven’t you? Mars is in retrograde, your ego is in overdrive, and your group chat is one impulsive text away from collapse. Slow down before you try to seduce a barista with your startup pitch again.
♉ Taurus (April 20–May 20): Mercury is in your money house. This is ironic given your online shopping habits. Stop justifying “investment pieces” with TikTok financial advice. You don’t need artisanal ice cube trays shaped like Schrödinger’s cat.
♊ Gemini (May 21–June 20): Stop trying to become 12 different people before Tuesday. Your agitated pursuit of personhood is spiraling into a full-blown personality kaleidoscope. Take a breath. Choose one persona today and at least pretend to believe in it.
