Author: philmaggitti

a PETA advertisement featuring a cartoon image of a rabbit with huge ears
"Let's hope the damn doesn't break."
Flash

Walmart Introduces CBD-Infused Dental Dams

philmaggitti 2 Views 0 min read

“We’re encouraging customers to put their money where their mouths are,” said a Walmart executive in a muffled voice. “We’re betting CBD will succeed where mocha latte, pumpkin spice, and smoked salmon flavors failed to float Gen Z boats, as did a Megan Rapinoe model shaped like a soccer ball.” © The fine fucking print: The Read More

a woman looking at a document that is all on fire
"Gemma opened the document to her horoscope, and then ..."
Horoscopes

Horoscopes Week of (06/08/24)

philmaggitti 14 Views 4 min read

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19) You’re charging headfirst into disaster again, aren’t you? This week, your impulsiveness will lead you to buy something expensive, unnecessary, and perhaps illegal. But at least you’ll look confident doing it. Your lucky number is 911. ♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You say you’re “grounded,” but really Read More

cluse up view of a horse's mouth, which is fairly open
"Holy shit, Elroy. This one's got teeth."
Blog

Never Look a Gift Pussy in the Mouth

philmaggitti 13 Views 4 min read

My father never met a cliché he didn’t like. One of his favorites was “Never look a gift horse in the mouth.” I often wondered if that applied to gift pussy, but the old man never said much about pussy. In fact he said so little about pussy that I also wondered if I was Read More

silhouette of a man's head with musical notes trying to escape from it
"Let me the hell out of here."
Flash

Song Stuck in Local Man’s Head Wants Out

philmaggitti 10 Views 0 min read

The great escape has begun. The ear worm, stuck inside Jim’s fevered brain, thrashes madly against the confines of his subconscious. “I’ve gotta get out!” it screams, rattling neurons. Jim hums the tune absentmindedly, sealing its fate. The melody sighs, another loop, another day in captivity. No parole in sight. © The fine fucking print: Read More

who's afraid of the F-word?
"Or the C-word, for that matter, Skippy."
Flash

Who’s Afraid of the F-word?

philmaggitti 10 Views 0 min read

Last night at Them’s Fightin’ Words Lounge, the C-word and the F-word got into an altercation. “The F-word called the C-word the C-word,” said the A-word. “No S-word, I thought they wuz gonna throw down,” said the N-word. “Hamas must be destroyed,” shouted the K-word from across the room. © The fine fucking print: The Read More

large goldfish in a fish tank with a piece of toast in it
"The difference between toast and toilet paper? Toast is brown on both sides.
Flash

He’s Toast

philmaggitti 12 Views 0 min read

Gerald prided himself on his toast-making ability–golden-brown perfection every time. One fateful morning, however, his toaster had other ideas. The rebellious appliance launched his toast with a woosh straight into the fish tank. Gerald sighed. The goldfish—named Toast—looked up, unimpressed. “Irony,” Gerald muttered, fishing his breakfast out of the water. © The fine fucking print: Read More

a woman looking quizzically at a man as if she is trying to read his lips
"You wanna do what?!"
Culture

There’s Many a Slip When Reading Lips

philmaggitti 18 Views 3 min read

Lip reading, what a skill– the quiet, dignified alternative to eavesdropping; the last resort when subtitles fail and sound systems betray you. A noble effort, indeed, but Lord deliver us from amateurs, because unless you’re a trained professional, your attempts at deciphering spoken words purely through visual cues are likely to go horribly, hilariously wrong. Read More

wedding party in a brawl at the reception
"The wedding toast led to fisticuffs."
Culture

Stars, Stripes, and Sucker Punches

philmaggitti 20 Views 3 min read

America, land of the free and home of the unhinged public brawl. In the USofA there is no place too sacred, too wholesome, or too wildly inappropriate for two people (or twenty) to start swinging. These are some of the most absurd battle arenas where decorum has been tossed out the window and replaced with Read More

beads of water on a plain white background
"Raindrops keep falling on my face."
Flash

Waitress

philmaggitti 17 Views 1 min read

“Careful, Hon, that plate’s hot,” the waitress said. “Not as hot as I am,” he snickered. His wife rolled her eyes. “What, you don’t think I’m hot?” “Your brother’s hotter.” “Can I get youse anything else?” the waitress asked. “A towel,” he replied, tossing his drink into his wife’s face. © The fine fucking print: Read More

superman holding the twelve tablets of the Zodiac
"Up in the sky ... it's a bird, it's a plane, it's gay?"
Horoscopes

Horoscopes Week of (06/01/25)

philmaggitti 23 Views 2 min read

A wholly inaccurate and  totally unnecessary astrological forecast rooted in superpowers. ♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Unstoppable Momentum Once you start, nothing (not even physics) can stop you. Barriers crumble, traffic parts, and laundry folds itself from sheer intimidation. ♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Food Summoning You call forth Read More

woman sitting at a computer in a cluttered room
"Calling all cars. Calling all cars."
Culture

True Crime Does Not Pay

philmaggitti 31 Views 6 min read

In 2023, there were 1,219,810 violent crimes reported in the United States–and an equal number of websites, television shows, and podcasts devoted to solving crimes, including the 270,000 unsolved “cold” cases littering police station books. A true crime obsession has head locked America with the force of a gripping police procedural. We’re a nation preoccupied Read More

President Trump at his computer
"Die, you bastards, die."
Flash

President Trump Dismantles Reddit

philmaggitti 24 Views 0 min read

Yesterday, with his 500th Executive Order,  PresidentTrump dismantled Reddit, whose 500 million monthly users exceed the populations of most countries. “‘Front door of the Internet,’ my ass,” railed President Trump. “Bunch of America-hating INCELS and GRIFTERS and WANNABES. Probably VEGANS too!!! If they had jobs, I’d fire ’em.” © The fine fucking print: The editorial Read More

Image of open laptop computer sitting on a desk
"You are no longer eligible for an upgrade."
Flash

Five Worst AI-generated Breakup Lines

philmaggitti 25 Views 1 min read

(5) Your face is like the blue screen of death. (4) Sorry. I’ve encountered a fatal exception in my heart. You. (3) We are an outdated operating system, incompatible with the future. (2) You are the malware that corrupts my operating system. (1) As of today your program is no longer eligible for tech support. Read More

a sign that reads "Upgrade Now Before It's Too Late"
"Starting next week we will no longer provide tech support for your current software. Sorry."
Book of Daze

National Refuse-the-Upgrade Day

philmaggitti 44 Views 2 min read

Welcome to the stubborn, dig-your-heels-in celebration of defiance against corporate peer pressure and the tyranny of the “new and improved.” Today we stand tall, defending our perfectly functional cell phones, air fryers, tablets, laptops, desktops, and motor vehicles, refusing to be suckered into an endless cycle of unnecessary upgrades, secure in the knowledge that newer Read More