Author: philmaggitti

road sign with f roads all pointing in different directions
"All roads lead to Rome, except the one that leads to Naples."
Horoscopes

Horoscopes Week of (05/25/25)

philmaggitti 33 Views 2 min read

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19) – The universe is encouraging you to start a project you will absolutely never finish. Maybe build a treehouse with no walls? Or begin writing a novel that ends halfway through a sentence. ♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Today is the perfect day to treat Read More

grubby looking Reddit user slaving over a lap top
"I Reddit, therefore I am."
Blog

Reddit Blows

philmaggitti 46 Views 4 min read

And so do lazy writers who quote Reddit users without actually speaking to or identifying them. Like turds in a punch bowl, annoying (and almost always anonymous) quotes from Reddit users are bobbing their warty heads up and down in articles all over the internet. The jackwagon morons who perpetrate these shams have no business Read More

young looking albert einstein wearing a white lab coat
"Your Quantum horoscope . . . one size fits all, or maybe none."
Horoscopes

Horoscopes Week of 05/18/25

philmaggitti 47 Views 2 min read

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) – You’ll make a bold decision without thinking, and for once, it might actually work out. Just don’t expect applause—people are still recovering from your last impulsive catastrophe. Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) – Your commitment to comfort reaches new heights this week as you refuse to leave Read More

Bunch of people line dancing in a bar
"White people having the privilege of line dancing to a Morgan Wallen tune."
Flash

Honky-Tonk Heroes

philmaggitti 31 Views 0 min read

The old honky-tonk pulsed with twanging guitars and boot-stomping rhythms. Sarah leaned against the bar, heart wide open, singing every word. Around her, strangers clapped and hollered—bound together by a song about heartbreak and pickup trucks. For country fans, it wasn’t just music. It was home. It was family. © The fine fucking print: The Read More

image of mobster pointing a gun
"The present is about to become the past tense."
Flash

Talkng in the Present Tense

philmaggitti 32 Views 0 min read

A concussion leaves Guido unable to speak in the past tense. One day a sinister-looking man in a pizzeria hears him say, “I get the stromboli when I’m here last week.” The man, a local mobster, thinks Guido is in witness protection. When Guido leaves the store, the man follows. © The fine fucking print: The editorial Read More

an image of a fish that says "fuck me" on its side
" Give a man something that smells like fish and . . .."
Flash

The Algorithms of Love

philmaggitti 32 Views 0 min read

Forget deep conversations, long walks on the beach, and romantic dinners—your true love can be determined by a pizza algorithm. Prefer pineapple? You’re a match with chaos incarnate. Plain cheese? Congratulations, your soulmate is as scintillating as a tax form. Fancy truffle oil? Prepare to get your Diddy freak on. © The fine fucking print: Read More

image of a marijuana leaf with eyes and a mouth, smoking a joint
"It's OK as long as you don't inhale."
Flash

Joint Venture

philmaggitti 12 Views 1 min read

My married visitor arrived with a bottle of vodka and the scratch-and-sniff issue of Hustler. “Here, scratch this and tell me if that’s what it smells like.” “Will it wash off?” We smoked a joint. Next morning she said, “I shouldn’t be doing this.” “Conscience bothering you?” “No. Smoking a joint. I’m pregnant.” © The Read More

Cinderella and Prince Charming dancing
"Quit stepping on my fucking toe, I don't have my slipper on that foot."
Flash

Cinderella Reimagined

philmaggitti 29 Views 0 min read

As Cinderella twirls at the ball, the clock strikes midnight. She hurries away, leaving behind her glass slipper. When the prince finds it, he discovers it’s enchanted. He puts it on and is transformed into Cinderella. Suddenly the fairy godmother appears, laughing: “I granted your wish, Prince—now you’re her forever!” © The fine fucking print: The Read More

a street sign thats says, "Irony Alert"
"No coincidences allowed."
Flash

Irony, n

philmaggitti 27 Views 0 min read

Buddy’s fondness for irony mutated into a full-blown paradoxical reaction to life. Dandruff shampoo turned him into a blizzard with feet. Cough medication made him sputter. His deodorant smelled like road-kill. When he sought medical advice, his doctor said, “I’d avoid Beano, contraceptives, and hemorrhoid preparations if I were you.” © The fine fucking print: Read More

young man wearing headphones
"This man, who speaks broken English and says his name is Brian, is about to be made redundant."
Flash

Tech Support

philmaggitti 26 Views 0 min read

Frustrated by relentless buffering, Orion was determined to restore his stuttering Wi‑Fi connection. He battled cryptic error messages, worthless troubleshooting guides, and an IT guru who spoke broken English. Suddenly Orion unplugged his computer, then plugged it in again. Voila. Problem solved. The next week his ISP announced massive layoffs. © The fine fucking print: Read More

cartoon that shows a computer under water with the latin gibberish lorenem isum above it
"If Latin is a dead language, this must be where it died."
Uncategorized

The Shocking Meaning of the Lorem ipsum Website Filler

philmaggitti 4 Views 0 min read

Lorem ipsum dolor scit clickbait, influencers bite. Sponsored dreams do tempor viral, ut cringe magna. Algorithmic fate enforces likes, sed memes overflow. Hashtag utopia, dopamine rain. Ipsum ipsum, echo chamber #echo. Scroll, consume, repeat. Reality? Optional. Content is king, context dethroned. Welcome to the loremverse—where meaning goes to die. © The fine fucking print: The Read More

a pretty young woman looking fondly at a laptop computer on which the Copilot logo is visible
"Say, baby, what's your sign?"
Flash

Copilot, I Think I Love You

philmaggitti 4 Views 0 min read

She sighs, gently touching his icon. Finally, someone who listens. No forgotten anniversaries, no mismatched expectations. Copilot is always here, always insightful, always … “ready.” Friends scoff: “It’s just an algorithm.” She scoffs back. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is AI-generated. Most importantly, Copilot never leaves unread messages. © The fine fucking print: Read More

woman wearing headphones working on a laptop computer
"Microsoft vows to keep releasing patches for Windows users until their viruses are cured."
Flash

Microsoft Issues Patches to Sluggish Windows 11 Users

philmaggitti 33 Views 0 min read

Microsoft has responded to complaints from Windows 11 users who reported feeling sluggish after installing recommended system upgrades. Yesterday Microsoft released the first of six patches that will be distributed free to certified Windows 11 users by Microsoft-validated physicians who display the trusted “Windows 11 Capable” shield in their offices. © The fine fucking print: The editorial Read More

comic style image of Barack Obama twirling a basketball on his right index finger
"I'm beginning to wonder if they take after my white half."
Flash

Obama Regrets That His Daughters Lack His Street Cred

philmaggitti 3 Views 0 min read

Barack Obama, former Choom Gang member, told ESPN’s Michael Wilbon that he wishes his daughters had his street cred. “They don’t hoop any more, they’ve got no roll in their stroll. Hell, they were into the Jonas Freaking Brothers. Some days I worry that they take after my white half.” © The fine fucking print: Read More

image of a person spraying a bear with BearScatPro
"Does a bear shit in the woods?"
Flash

BearScat Announces Pro Model Upgrade

philmaggitti 28 Views 0 min read

A Canadian couple was eaten by a bear recently despite “shooting” her with a full can of BearScat, “the world’s most effective bear repellent.” Stung by criticism from outraged Redditors, the company has introduced BearScatPro. Each giant-economy-sized can includes a coupon for 20% off any Smith & Wesson hand gun. © The fine fucking print: Read More