Author: philmaggitti

Jesus and Pilate
"Arkei moi tyrannē, mēden eti mallon atimon."
Flash

The Tongue Twister that Sealed Jesus’ Fate

philmaggitti 5 Views 0 min read

When Jesus was brought before Pilate for trial, the latter offered to free Jesus if he could say “Arkei moi tyrannē, mēden eti mallon atimon” three times rapidly. Jesus failed, changing the tongue twister’s meaning from “Enough for me, tyrant, nothing more dishonorable” to “Piss off, you camel-humping, maggot-ridden tyrant.” © The fine fucking print: Read More

a human and a robot facing one another
""What position do you prefer?"
Flash

How AI Can Improve Sexual Performance

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AI-powered sex toys can learn what floats your boat. AI plus virtual reality and augmented-reality technologies equals “realistic,” can’t-tell-the-difference sexual experiences. AI-powered earbuds help individuals to communicate their desires and talk dirty with their partners. AI provides a safe, judgment-free, sanitary space for individuals to get their Diddy freak on. © The fine fucking print: Read More

Flash

Table for Two

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Rob meets Angela for lunch. Each is secretly planning to confess to recent infidelities. When Rob begins to speak, Angela interrupts him. “Robbie, there’s something I’ve got to tell you.” “You’re pregnant,” he says nervously. “No,” she laughs, beginning to lose her nerve. “What did you want to tell me.” © The fine fucking print: Read More

cartoon image of a homely man
"Imagine opening the front door and seeing ..."
Flash

Pretty Is as Pretty Does

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Flush with anticipation, Vicky opened the door to greet her date, whom  a friend had set her up with. There stood one pitiful, butt-ugly man. Chiding herself for being disappointed and shallow, Vicky determined to make the most of the evening,  only to discover he had a personality to match. © The fine fucking print: Read More

homeless person sitting down reading a book
"Homeless man reading classified documents that fell out of Joe Biden's car."
Flash

AA Releases Flash Version of 12 Steps Program

philmaggitti 21 Views 0 min read

I’m bad, god’s good. I’ll put the ball in his court. Then I’ll count the ways I’ve screwed up. Wow, I really am a turd. I should just let god be god and ask him for a reboot. Finally I’ll offer to apologize to everyone I’ve harmed, providing it’s safe. © The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is Read More

image of a robot facing a human
"Two species divided by a common language,"
Flash

artificial intelligence, n

philmaggitti 19 Views 0 min read

Any grand experiment in which  humans teach machines to think, only to have them roast our spelling errors and suggest healthier life choices. A digital genie that grants wishes, occasionally misinterprets commands, and is perpetually confused by sarcasm—except when dishing it out. Proceed cautiously, being careful what you wish for.

You Can't Satirize This Shit

You Can’t Satirize This Shit, #11

philmaggitti 239 Views 0 min read

“Ohio Supreme Court Rules ‘Boneless’ Chicken May Contain Bones,” therefore a customer can’t sue a restaurant when a bone in a “boneless” chicken wing goes down his windpipe, causing serious medical problems. “The label on the menu described a cooking style; it was not a guarantee,” wrote one bonehead judge. © The fine fucking print: Read More

image of bare tree with a red apple falling from it
"More black people are killing by falling apples each year than white people are."
Politics

BLM Activist Declares Gravity Is Racist

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BLM activist Jaleel X. Johnson-kendi, claims that gravity is a “white, heteronormative, non-cis-gender-affirming construct that disproportionally affects black people, especially young black men who don’t wear belts, “another symbol of the white man’s oppression.” Gravity now joins math, lawns, classical music, saddle shoes, and being on time as “racist constructs.” © The fine fucking print: The Read More

You Can't Satirize This Shit

You Can’t Satirize This Shit, #10

philmaggitti 222 Views 0 min read

“Trudeau to install tampon dispensers–in MEN’S bathrooms” Justin Trudeau’s latest brainstorm: supply all bathrooms in federal public service departments, crown corporations, banks, airports, and train yards with menstrual products ‘regardless of their marked genders.’ These free products are taxpayer-funded. Critics say thar men will bring them home to female partners. © The fine fucking print: Read More

image of the last supper
"Who's got the cream cheese on an everything bagel?"
Flash

The Last Supper, the World’s First Roast

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Following the Tom Brady roast, one reviewer proclaimed that Brady is “our ‘Jesus Christ’ in the war against political correctness.” Jesus, you’ll recall, was the fly-as OG host and roast master at the world’s first roast, The Last Supper, where the tax collector, fishy hygiene, pedophile, and Is-Jesus-Gay jokes flew.

road sign with f roads all pointing in different directions
"All roads lead to Rome, except the one that leads to Naples."
Flash

Of Churches and Cookies

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When his self  became a fear he couldn’t outrun, he woke his wife, and they drove through the night to comfort him. In those dark hours, they passed closed churches and open cookie shops. Normally he would have said something clever about that fact, but now it only frightened him.

woman choking while taking a drink of water
"Just before projectile vomiting."
Flash

Snot Funny

philmaggitti 19 Views 0 min read

His great joy had always been causing people to choke by saying something funny just as they were taking a sip of beverage. His wife guarded against this amusement, but one night he “got” her, and, indeed, she choked. Several days later, at her funeral, her brother waited, then. 

yin-yang symbol
"It's spelled 'yin', not 'ying,' you damn fool."
Flash

Case Notes #97

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“Yin is passive, introverted—frequently weak. Yang is outgoing and opinionated. She’s happy to stay at home with a book and her cat. He likes to party.  Yin keeps their jaijitu (mighty circle) so cold that Yang, who is a real beach lover, constantly wears thick, heavy robes indoors. “Prognostication poor.”

woman at a computer that has a dog's image on the screen
"I think the 'pause' button is misspelled."
FlashUncategorized

You Could Be Talking to a Dog in a Chatroom If . . .

philmaggitti 18 Views 0 min read

Screen name Commander or Princess. Wants to meet in PetSmart. Measures height to shoulders. Asks how old you are in dog years. Thinks computer’s “pause” button is misspelled. Asks if you’re fixed. Avoids exchanging photos. Re-roofed summer house for $100. Can’t understand fuss about quintuplets. Too interested in e-mailman’s schedule.

spiritual sign
"Spirituality if as goofy as religion."
Flash

“I’m Not Religious, but I Am Spiritual”

philmaggitti 9 Views 0 min read

If ever you hear someone make this claim, change the subject fast; otherwise you’ll be sorry to learn that “spiritual” folks believe in some batshit notions–crystals, astrology, sweat lodges, yoga, Ouija boards, Tarot cards, the I Ching–that make the notion of Jesus walking on water seem downright plausible. Amen.