Wednesday, June 12, 2024

Britney Spears Vows to Return Worst Dog Owner Award

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MALIBU – An agitated Britney Spears told reporters she had not “dramatized” her dogs by having sex in front of them, and she “did-dint” deserve to be voted World’s Worst Celebrity Dog Owner of 2006. What’s more, she vowed, “when that doggone thing arrives, I’m sending it back.”

The embattled one-time singer, who banished her three Chihuahuas and her second husband, Kevin Federline, from her Malibu mansion this year, spoke briefly to a couple of stringers from Them Weekly, whom she encountered outside the Starbucks on Pacific Coast Highway and Trancas Canyon Road late yesterday afternoon.

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“I’m country,” said an obviously braless Ms. Spears, “and I was raised to believe animals don’t belong in the house at night, much less in bed. Them dogs spent their nights outdoors in these cute little doghouses my Uncle Chester come out from Mississippi to build just for them.

“So I couldn’t have done all them things I was accused of doing with Kevin in front of the dogs. I mean, like, me and Kevin did some freaky things, but never in front of the dogs. Only Sean Preston and Jayden James were allowed in bed with us at night, and they can sleep through anything.”

Wrinkling her nose, Ms. Spears shifted her Grande White Mocha Frappuccino to her left hand while she tugged at a blooming camel toe in her sweat pants with her right hand.

“I mean, like, I loved Bit-Bit, Lucy, and that other dog all to pieces,” she said, “but I did-dint want them sticking their tooters in my face while I was trying to sleep or have sex. Gross! Who knows where those tooters have been?”

In other news, Sharon Stone’s vagina, recently given the all clear to begin dating again, said she and Christian Slater are “just good friends.”    

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