Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on pop culture since 2004

Dunce Caps

Dunce Cap of the Moment to Steve Ballmer, Clippers Owner

2 months Biff Scuzzy
Steve Ballmer, Clippers Owner, wears an enormous dunce cap courtside as money and draft cards tumble around him and uncomfortable spectators recoil.
Steve Ballmer discovers the only cap he cannot circumvent.

Steve Ballmer, Clippers owner and human fire alarm, is awarded the Dunce Cap of the Moment for deciding the NBA salary cap was merely a suggestion printed by poor people.

The league suspended Ballmer, 70, for one year, fined the Clippers $30 million, and confiscated five first-round draft picks after investigators concluded the team routed forbidden compensation to Kawhi Leonard through various companies.

Leonard’s arrangement included millions for an endorsement job requiring the same effort Ballmer puts into appearing housebroken.

Ballmer rejects the findings. This is understandable. A man worth more than $150 billion cannot be expected to recognize rules written in type.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver, 64, an attorney whose head resembles a thumb awaiting fingerprint analysis, imposed the punishment after an investigation uncovered what the league called a pattern of salary-cap circumvention. Ballmer responded with the injured dignity of a rhinoceros asked to leave a salad bar.

The former Microsoft CEO has long cultivated the appearance of a man being electrocuted by his own enthusiasm. He shrieks, sweats, pumps his fists, and generally behaves as though someone has stuffed a leaf blower down his trousers. Money can buy a basketball team, an arena, and enough advisers to populate Delaware. It cannot buy a face that does not look freshly removed from a malfunctioning panini press.

For his combination of billionaire arrogance, rulebook creativity, and industrial-strength ugliness, Ballmer receives a reinforced dunce cap with moisture-resistant lining.

The Clippers lost five draft picks. Ballmer lost one year. The cap, regrettably, fits forever.

If you enjoy burying the clowns, grifters, blowhards, politicians, billionaires, influencers, and public nuisances who make life dumber by the day, here are more dunce caps available–from all cap and no cattle to pin heads.