Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
At long last, the federal government has unveiled the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program, a taxpayer-funded initiative designed to rescue itinerant evangelists from the perils of doorbell diplomacy. Decades of slammed doors, garden-hose ambushes, and irate Labradors have taken their toll on these soft-shoed missionaries of pamphlet and portents.
Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program Details
The new program promises a holy reset: entire Witness families will be whisked to undisclosed cul-de-sacs in the dead of night. This relocation will facilitate exchanging the suspicious glares of old neighbors for fresh suspicion in another zip code.
Each relocated Witness receives a starter kit containing a false mustache, three wigs in shades of “Harvest Chestnut,” a spray-tan voucher, and a laminated map of neighborhoods that have not yet filed restraining orders.
Church elders hail the initiative as “a biblical exodus with better dental coverage.” Early enrollees, speaking from the trunk of a government sedan, say the chance to reinvent themselves as Gary from Tulsa instead of Brother Leonard from Peoria is the closest thing to grace they have felt since last year’s bake sale debacle.
Hymns of Anonymity and Pamphlets of Promise
No detail has been overlooked. To prevent awkward reunions, all transplanted Witnesses learn new door-knocking techniques–three polite raps, then two apologetic coughs–to distinguish themselves from their former toxic identities.
A government-approved hymnal called “Songs of Concealment and Praise” features uplifting numbers such as “Blessed Be the Alias” and “Guide Me, O Thou Relocation Van.”
Pamphlets have been re-branded to support new backstories. “Awake!” now masquerades as a regional gardening journal, while “The Watchtower” has been reimagined as a glossy home-security brochure. Officials believe these stealthy updates will reduce the odds of panicked homeowners releasing the hounds.
Funding for the program remains controversial, particularly the $4.2 million budget line for “Emergency Halo Disguises.” Yet the administration insists it is a moral obligation to safeguard all who roam the suburbs in search of souls and signatures.
In a country where witness relocation was once reserved for mob informants and whistle-blowers, the arrival of the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program suggests a new commandment for our age: thou shalt not leave evangelists out in the cold–especially if they can be moved somewhere warmer with better landscaping.
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