Wednesday, June 12, 2024
Celebrities

Lindsay Lohan Hospitalized After Collapsing Under Weight of Teacpup

an image

LONDON – Lindsay Lohan was rushed to hospital after she had collapsed and fallen under the weight of a ceramic teacup as she was climbing the stairs at retired Canadian pop star Bryan Adams’ mansion.

Ms. Lohan required ten stitches to close a wound in her right shin after she had landed on a piece of the shattered teacup. Police say they do not suspect that drugs or an eating disorder played a part in Ms. Lohan’s mishap, but they have not yet ruled out the possibility that nudity may have been involved.

Ms. Lohan’s mother, Dina, an aspiring Playboy playmate, told reporters, “Lindsay and her friends were preparing breakfast, with eggs and everything, and Lindsay was going up the stairs, carrying a ceramic teacup. She had just come out of the shower so she was still wet and had some lotion on, and she went arse over teacup on the stairs.”

Trevor Temple-West, the physician who attended Ms. Lohan, said that ordinarily a person who lands on a shard of a teacup would not require stitches to close the wound, but Ms. Lohan’s “remarkably low percentage of body fat” makes her more susceptible to skin injury.

an image

A friend who had accompanied Ms. Lohan to hospital said, “I told Lindsay not to carry the teacup up the stairs. She’s not used to eating breakfast let alone making it for other people.”

London’s tabloid conscience, The Sun, reported that Mr. Adams, forty-six, has been carrying on a clandestine relationship with Ms. Lohan, nineteen, for the last several years.

“Dina Lohan, that leathery presence in her daughter’s life, is merely a beard in a pathetic attempt to conceal the romance between Mr. Adams and Lindsay Lohan,” wrote The Sun.

Mr. Adams, an honorary member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, is best known for his 1985 hit, “Summer of ’69,” in which the singer reminisces about buying his first guitar, starting a band, and “standing on [his girlfriend’s] momma’s porch.” The song became Mr. Adams’ most widely ridiculed when people realized he was only nine years old in the summer of 1969. Mr. Adams then took to claiming, when he introduced the song in concerts, that he was not singing about the year ’69.

Next Oprah: Is Lindsay Lohan Her Generation’s Elizabeth Taylor?
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.