Local Town Council Votes to Ban Public Complaints

In a 5–2 vote that surprised no one except the two council members who were not paying attention, the Borough of Larksville passed Ordinance 26‑04, officially banning public complaints. Public complaining, as defined by the ordinance, is “any audible, visible, or otherwise atmospherically detectable expression of dissatisfaction made within municipal boundaries without prior authorization.” In practice, this covers everything from sighing at the post office to muttering about the weather while exiting a Sheetz.

Common categories of outlawed complaints include Infrastructure Complaints — Potholes described as “biblical,” traffic lights accused of “gaslighting drivers,” and crosswalks that “feel like they’re judging you.”

Retail Micro‑Grievances — The Wawa hoagie line, the self‑checkout that “knows when you’re in a hurry,” and the cashier who says “Have a blessed day” with suspicious emphasis.

Weather‑Based Lamentations — Humidity likened to “being slow‑cooked,” unexpected drizzle, and the annual debate over whether 38°F is “cold” or “just brisk.”

Neighbor‑Related Whining — Fence height disputes, leaf‑blower diplomacy failures, and the man who snow‑blows only his half of the sidewalk.

Parking‑Lot Suffering — People who take two spaces “as a lifestyle choice,” and the eternal mystery of why everyone backs into spots like they’re training for NASCAR.

Ordinance 26‑04 follows last month’s heated debate over potholes, during which one resident allegedly sighed so loudly it set off a car alarm. Under the new rules, citizens must obtain a Grievance Expression Permit (GEP‑14) before voicing concerns. The permit requires a $12 fee, a two‑page “Complaint Impact Assessment,” and attendance at a forty-five‑minute seminar titled “Constructive Mood Alternatives.”

The town insists the process is “streamlined,” though the form includes a section asking applicants to diagram their emotional trajectory.

In the wake of the ban, officials report a thriving black market for unlicensed grumbling, with residents meeting behind the VFW to mutter about recycling pickup schedules.

Police Chief Ron Haverstock held a press conference announcing the arrest of a man caught whispering “figures” while parallel parking.

“He tried to claim it was a prayer,” Haverstock said, “but the inflection was unmistakably resentful.”

Town officials cite several negative effects of public complaining, including “civic mood degradation,” “retail queue instability,” and “atmospheric thickening,” a phenomenon no one can define but everyone nods about.

Rsidents are divided about the ordinance: Marla Denshaw, 52, municipal archivist, has  filed forty complaints about the complaint‑filing process.

Eunice Paladino, 67, a retired crossing guard who once lectured a crow for “tone” calls the ordinance long overdue.

The council will meet next week to consider a companion measure regulating Passive‑Aggressive Silence, which they warn may be “even more dangerous.”

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