Microdosing Regret: The Latest Wellness Grift
In the ever-expanding buffet of bourgeois self-improvement, where kombucha is considered a personality and breathwork is somehow a career, the latest delicacy is microdosing regret. Yes, regret, the emotional equivalent of stepping on a Lego in the dark, is now being served in artisanal tinctures by influencers who once sold teeth-whitening kits and now peddle existential malaise with a side of turmeric.
Shame, Microdosing Regret Lightly Toasted
A look at how brunch culture has rebranded emotional discomfort as a garnish for self-actualization. The premise is simple: one recalls a minor humiliation—perhaps the time one earnestly said “expresso” in front of a barista named Sage—and allows it to marinate in the psyche just long enough to feel “grounded.” This is not full-blown shame, mind you. That would be gauche. This is boutique remorse, calibrated to pair well with oat milk and a $42 chakra-aligned smoothie.
Practitioners claim that microdosing regret enhances authenticity, deepens brunch conversations, and makes one’s Instagram captions “less performative.” One influencer, who identifies as a “trauma doula,” swears by her morning ritual of whispering, “I never called Grandma back,” before applying her cruelty-free mascara. Another recommends a “regret vision board,” featuring Polaroids of exes, unpaid parking tickets, and screenshots of texts that began with “Hey, you up?”
Naturally, the wellness-industrial complex has monetized this spiritual pap smear. Regret crystals. Shame-based yoga. A subscription box called Oops! that delivers monthly reminders of your worst decisions, curated by a team of emotionally stunted interns with degrees in semiotics.
Critics—those tiresome creatures who still believe in therapy—argue that this trend commodifies introspection and trivializes genuine emotional growth. To which the microdosers respond, “Healing is nonlinear,” before vanishing into a cloud of palo santo and passive aggression.
“The Gentrification of Microdosing Regret
Microdosing regret is the perfect wellness trend for those who wish to feel profound without actually being inconvenienced. It is emotional cosplay for the spiritually lazy. And like all great cultural decays, it will be replaced in six months by something even more insipid, like macroshaming or nostalgia enemas. Until then, sip your shame, center your cringe, and remember: you are the main character in a story no one asked to hear.
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