Saturday, December 9, 2023

Microsoft Acquires Christian Software Firm

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REDMOND – Wash. – Microsoft’s CEO Bill Gates announced yesterday that his company had acquired Endtimes! Software, the leading Christian software producer in Alabama. Endtimes!, “the inspired binary word of the Lord,” is headquartered in Opp, the center of Alabama’s Silicone Holler. The company produces “salvation software for Jesus geeks.”

Gates also announced that Glossolalia 1.0, the long-awaited English-to-Tongues converter from Endtimes!, will be a standard part of all future editions of Windows Vista. Current Vista owners can download a free patch containing the English-to-Tongues converter and the latest Internet Explorer security fixes from the Windows Web site.

Aloysius McFadden, founder of Endtimes!, praised God and Microsoft for the acquisition. “The Lord told me that this software will be even more popular than our Pig Latin Bible converter and that we should make sure it achieved the deepest market penetration possible,” said McFadden. “What better choice than Bill Gates? He’s got more money than God.

“From now on,” McFadden continued, “there’s no need for new charismatics to be tongue-tied in church, the Goodwill Store, the Wal-Mart, or anywhere else where two or more people are gathered in Jesus’ name. Quicker than you can say ‘a wop-bop-a-loo-bop,’ (‘only the elect should be elected’), our new software will have you speaking in tongues like a snake-handling elder.”

Easily understood by all operating systems in any programming language, Glossolalia 1.0 quickly converts simple English sentences into tongues. Furthermore, it preserves split infinitives, dangling modifiers, double negatives, and disagreements between subjects and verbs in the process.

To use Glossolalia 1.0, simply type a word, phrase, sentence fragment, or (for advanced users only) a complete sentence into the conversion space (the box next to the burning-cross icon). Then mash that icon, and Glossolalia 1.0, “with the blessings of the Lord God Jesus Christ,” will print that word, phrase, or sentence fragment in tongues, spelled phonetically (“jus’ lack it sounds”) for easy mastery.

For example, type “The Lord don’t love gay folks” into the conversion box, and Glossolalia 1.0 instantly prints, “Jaweh homano swishnay yuck.”

“It’s so easy even my 14-year-old cousin can use it,” said Melvin “Six Fingers” Suggs, chief programmer at Endtimes! Software. “I’m gittin’ her one for our first weddin’ anniversary.”

As part of a one-month special introductory offer, anyone who downloads the Glossolalia 1.0 patch from Microsoft will be eligible to download a copy of RapQuest, an interactive guide to the Rapture, for only $9.95.

In related news, Gates announced that Microsoft expects to have a voice-recognition model of Glossolalia 1.0 ready for release soon. The program will be bundled with Windows Media Player.    

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