National Wipe Front-to-Back Day
(Cleansing the nation one directional swipe at a time.)
In a country that celebrates National Cupcake Day, National Talk Like a Pirate Day, and something called National Corn Dog Appreciation Day, it’s shocking that we have overlooked the most fundamental ritual of expression–the directional wipe. Therefore, on July 12 (because midsummer humility is as rare as a clean public restroom), we gather to beatify National Wipe Front to Back Day.
This isn’t about shame, it’s about clarity. For too long, society has assumed that everyone knows which way the wipe goes. Spoiler: many don’t. Some go rogue. Some zig when they ought to zag. Some still use toilet paper like it’s a courtroom exhibit—folded, pristine, utterly confusing.
Thus, today we honor the unsung heroes of proper hygiene—the ones who wipe with purpose and anatomical respect. We exfoliate. We educate. And for those still gripping their two-ply in confusion, we liberate the bidet-curious.
The following participation guidelines will help you observe National Wipe Front to Back Day.
Post laminated diagrams in the restrooms at work. Stage interpretive dances about digestive flow in public parks. Whisper “front to back” to strangers in elevators.
Remember, this is not only about direction. It’s about dignity, decency, and denying bacteria its manifest destiny. In a fractured world, wiping front to back is one thing we can all do to keep the peace–down there at least.
