Will Britney Spears’ Press Conference Include K-Fed?

LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears will hold a press conference at the Los Angeles Convention Center today. Barring the capture of Osama bin Laden, the premature birth of Angelina Jolie’s baby, or the discovery of intelligent life in the White House, Ms. Spears will be the top news story.

As of this morning Ms. Spears had not revealed why she had invited selected media representatives, journalists, and record industry executives to the convention center; but no matter what she has to tell them—she’s pregnant again, she isn’t pregnant again, her son nearly drowned in the toilet—one question dominates the press-conference buzz: will Ms. Spears be upstaged by her rap star husband, Kevin Federline?

While Ms. Spears has spent the last six months slouching around malls looking like the “before” example in a Lane Bryant makeover ad, the multi-gifted Mr. Federline has been preparing to drop what is widely rumored to be the most influential rap album since Dr. Dre’s The Chronic.

“K-Fed’s the bomb now,” said a close friend of the couple. “He’s the one who’s cut a record and performed in public most recently—and who doesn’t look totally gross in sweat pants. Britney’s got to do something other than drive around with her baby on her lap to get attention. I guess this ‘mysterious’ press conference is it.”

Another source close to the couple reported that rumors of marital troubles stemming from Mr. Federline’s marijuana use, nonstop spending, and hands-off approach to parenting are “all a smoke screen” designed to cover up Ms. Spears’ insecurities.

“She can’t stand the thought of playing second banana to a guy who used to carry her [sanitary napkin] bag,” said the source. “But whether she’s leaving Hollywood, quitting show business, or running for governor, all eyes are going to be on K-Fed if he shows up today.”

In other news, Star magazine is reporting that discredited author Kaavya Viswanathan has admitted she may have “unconsciously” borowed portions of her fifteen minutes of fame from other authors whose lives she had “internalized.”    

If the public pratfalls of Hollywood’s overpaid, virtue-signaling drama llamas make your day as they make ours, check out these Celebrity Shockers — where meltdowns, mugshots, and micro-bikinis collide.