Wednesday, June 12, 2024
Culture

Pornography Merchants Hail Internet Smut Ruling

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CORNISH FLATS, N.H. – Adult Internet content, which includes but is not limited to bumping uglies in pairs and in groups, bestiality, pedophilia, necrophilia, and the Bush twins’ webcam, will not get its own dot-xxx address on the World Wide Web; and the folks who merchant this sort of entertainment could not be happier.

“Let slip the dogs of doggie style,” said pornography mogul Bam Scuzzy, creator of the profitable dot.orgasm websites. “The ICANN decision means we can continue to put our business in other people’s noses without being relegated to second-class-citizen status.”

ICANN (Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers) is the agency that governs the Internet address system. Yesterday, by a vote of 9-5, ICANN rejected a proposal to create a red-light district in cyberspace. The proposal, known by the code name Hooterville, would have required a pornographic website such as www.beastsandchildren.com to paint a big red bullseye on its butt by re-registering as www.beastsandchildren.xxx.

Parents Against Pornography (PAP) and other child-protection groups were dismayed by ICANN’s decision.

“ICANN is being disingenuous when it refuses to establish dot-xxx addresses because it would be forced to regulate content,” said PAP spokeswoman, Millicent Rogers. “Get with the program, ICANN. Other aspects of our lives are regulated—and rightly so. Why should the Internet be any different?”

Ms. Rogers’ opinion was seconded by Sir Timothy Berners-Lee, who co-created (and misspelled) the “World Wide” Web more than fifteen years ago.

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“When Al Gore and I started the web, we never thought it would become the festering sinkhole of pornography and commerce that it is today,” Sir Timothy said. “It’s high time we called a spade a spade.”

Sir Timothy made these comments during his keynote address at the tenth annual Internet Police Convention last week. Republican presidential candidate Rudolph W. Giuliani, wearing a sober, dark-blue pants suit, also addressed the convention

In related news, ICANN did approve the establishment of the following classes of new web addresses: .aiken.jolie.idol, and .fu. The last category is reserved for satire websites.

(Disclosure note: Pornography mogul Bam Scuzzy is the brother of Postcards contributor Biff Scuzzy.)    

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