President Bush Offends Visitors with Aristocrats Joke

CRAWFORD, Texas – President George W.Bush horrified a group of conservative pro-war activists at a private barbeque on his Crawford, Texas, ranch yesterday when he told The Aristocrats joke during a game of horseshoes.

Widely touted as the filthiest joke in history, The Aristocrats is the subject of a recently released documentary film directed by Paul Provenza with an assist from Penn Jillette, the member of Penn and Teller who talks. According to a source close to the Texas White House, Bush saw The Aristocrats movie with Karl Rove, Tom DeLay, and several other top- ranking Republicans at the president’s ranch Friday night.

“The president laughed so hard I thought he was going to choke,” said the source. “He and Karl Rove stayed up for hours after the screening, seeing who could make up the most offensive version of the joke.

The Aristocrats begins with a man walking into a talent agent’s office and saying, “I’ve got this great new act I think you’re going to love.”

The talent agent asks the man to describe the act, and the man begins, “First my wife and I walk out on stage. We take off our clothes. We start to have sex . . ..” The man then continues to describe in the vilest language imaginable acts of incest, bestiality, elimination, sodomy, and the like, involving not only the man and his wife but also their two children, the family dog, and, in some variations of the joke, one or more of the couple’s parents. When the man finally stops, the agent says, “That’s an unusual act. What do you call yourselves?”

“The Aristocrats,” the man replies.

Although President Bush showed more enthusiasm over The Aristocrats than he had in any movie since Gigli, his aides didn’t realize what a profound impression the movie had made on him until it was too late. As he was hosting a group of pro-war demonstrators who had traveled to Crawford to lend their voices to the backlash Republicans have been orchestrating against Peace Mom Cindy Sheehan, the president suddenly said, “I just heard this great joke. There was this guy who walked into a talent agent’s office . . ..”

While his guests stood by amazed, President Bush told a three-minute version of The Aristocrats that began with Cindy Sheehan and John Kerry walking out on stage. By the time Bush was finished, Sheehan and Kerry had been joined by her living son, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, his dog, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, Ted Kennedy, and a number of Bush’s other political rivals and their families. In the president’s version of the joke, when the talent agent asked the man what the act was called, the man replied, “The Democrats.”

President Bush was chuckling so much as he told the joke that he didn’t realize no one was laughing and that several women in the group had begun to cry.

“I’ve never been so shocked in all my life,” said Jo Anne Mavis of Ames, Iowa, whose son was killed in Iraq earlier this year. “I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I mean, I don’t care for Hillary Clinton, but to accuse her of [raping] her own daughter was just too much.”

“That man ought to be on some kind of medication,” said Howard “Bud” Weiser, a Vietnam veteran from Boone, Kentucky. “I spend a lot of time in the VFW, and, frankly, if somebody started talking like that, we’d ask him to leave.”

The White House issued a brief statement after the visiting activists had cut short their stay on the president’s ranch.

“The president regrets that some of our guests didn’t share his sense of humor. He didn’t intend to offend anyone, and he thought the guests would understand that he was simply making those stories up.”

In other news, somebody busted a cap in rap mogul Marion “Suge” Knight’s ass at a party last night in Miami. Knight, who is expected to recover the full use of his injured buttock, said the incident would not deter him from using the “bust a cap” expression in any music with which he is associated in the future.    

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