Sunday, December 10, 2023

Rick Perry Says Animals Were Domesticated by Intelligent Design

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MULESHOE, Texas – Governor Rick Perry told an audience at the First Evangelical Church of the Chosen Flock last night that schools in Texas should stop teaching “the heathen theory of domestication.”

Speaking at the conclusion of the church’s annual snake handling festival, Governor Perry declared, “Just like the pagan theory of evolution ought to be replaced by intelligent design in Texas schools, it’s time we got rid of the heresy of domestication as well; and when I’m president, we will or else things might start to get ugly.”

According to the governor, “the so-called scientific theories” that claim dogs were domesticated 14,000 years ago cannot possibly be correct because “the Bible tells us” the earth is only 6,000 years old.

“Animals were domesticated by God when he created them, before the fall of Adam,” said Governor Perry. “If animals hadn’t already been domesticated before they stood in line to be named by Adam, that line would have looked like one giant fluster cluck.”

After Adam had sinned, God punished him by “erasing all memory of domestication from his mind,” Mr. Perry said. Ever since then humans have wrongly taken credit for domestication, puffing themselves up with pride because they falsely believe they have somehow “tamed” wild beasts.

“Animals only obey us because God tells them to. That’s why your dog’s gonna mess your rug until you accept Jesus into your heart and contribute to the church. Once you have accepted Jesus, you could house train a snake—or handle one at a church festival—if you wanted to.”

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Governor Perry has little time and less sympathy for animal trainers such as the late Gunther Gebel-Williams and the almost-late Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy. Calling them “gussied up girly men in disco drag,” Governor Perry predicts they and all other animal trainers will burn in hell for leading people to believe that humans can train animals.

Governor Perry gained a measure of notoriety last year when he led a demonstration against the Wal-Mart in Muleshoe for selling peek-a-poos, a designer dog breed created from breeding poodles to Pekingese.

“These creatures are an abomination in the sight of the Lord God Almighty,” thundered the governor. “The Bible tells us that God intended animals and plants to reproduce ‘after their kind’—just like he did people.”

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