horoscopes

(The universe folds inward, then mumbles something about you behind your back. Happy horoscoes.) ♋ Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22): Feelings surface like microwaved… Read More

(Where time folds like laundry and the stars write Horoscopes in invisible ink.) Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): You are triple-booked across parallel timelines.… Read More

(Horoscopes transmitted live from a parallel universe where logic is on sabbatical.) ♋ Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22): Someone will accuse you of being… Read More

(Chaotic horoscopes from a universe that doesn’t remember your name.) Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22): You are feeling sensitive, which is perfect timing for… Read More

🌀(Warped, wary, and weird, just the way the cosmos likes it.) ♈ Aries (March 21–April 19) Today you will feel an inexplicable urge to alphabetize… Read More

(Once again we consult the cosmic crockpot and ladle out a steaming bowl of celestial nonsense horoscopes.) ♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You… Read More

♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22)Your tears taste like brine.Not from sadness, but the soupYou spilled on your lap. ♌ Leo (July 23 –… Read More

Because you deserve horoscopes more dynamic than your group chat. ♋ Cancer: Today you are glowing with potential and possibly alpha particles. Like Madame Curie,… Read More