Ten Reasons to Boycott the Super Bowl
If Americans possessed even an ounce of self-respect and good taste, they would boycott the Super Bowl and utilize that wasted time to cultivate their minds or their estates rather than vegetating on the sofa getting fatter and uglier.
They could read a book that does not contain pictures, perhaps something by Dostoevsky. They could reorganize their pantries alphabetically by sodium content or sit in a dark room and contemplate the slow, agonizing heat death of the universe. Any of these activities would be infinitely more dignified than watching the halftime show attempt to deconstruct your cultural heritage while selling car insurance.
1. The Bunny of Badness
The National Football League has decided that American football needs a new identity. That identity is apparently a Puerto Rican trap artist named Bad Bunny. You might ask yourself why a sport invented in the American Rust Belt is being headlined by a man who refuses to sing in English. Rumors say he plans to wear a dress. We were promised pigskin and grit, but we are getting haute couture and subtitles. If you cannot understand the lyrics, how can you consume the nachos properly?
2. Green Day and the Woke Punk Paradox
Green Day is opening the festivities. The band that raged against the machine in the nineties is now the machine. They plan to sing “American Idiot,” but they will change the lyrics to mock the patriots who bought their albums in 2004. Nothing screams “rebellion” quite like being sanctioned by a multi-billion dollar corporation to play a song approved by a board of directors. Billie Joe Armstrong, Green Day’s google-eyed frontman, is fifty-three years old. At this point, the only thing he should be rebelling against is high cholesterol.
3. The K-Pop Toilet Indoctrination
The advertisers have lost their damn minds. Liquid I.V. is running a commercial featuring a K-Pop star singing in a public restroom. Why are they singing in a toilet? Is this where the hydration happens? The Super Bowl commercial break used to be for Clydesdales and Cindy Crawford drinking Pepsi. Now it is for global pop stars serenading porcelain fixtures.
4. The Attack of the Sentient Pubic Hair
Manscaped has purchased airtime and spent eight million dollars to show us a clump of shower hair with eyes. This is not a joke. It is a gross, hairy, wet, sentient monster that stares into your soul while you try to enjoy your buffalo wings. This is what the woke agenda wants: to humanize the very refuse we wash down the drain. If we start empathizing with shower clogs, where does it end? Will we have to grant rights to dust bunnies next?
5. The Prohibition of the Words “Super Bowl“
You cannot even say the name of the game. Local car dealers and pizza parlors live in fear of the NFL lawyers, so they call it “The Big Game.” It is Orwellian. We all know what the hell it is. It is the flipping Super Bowl. But if you utter those two words without a sponsorship deal, a drone strike might hit your storefront. This enforced silence is the first step toward total linguistic control. Today you cannot say “Super Bowl.” Tomorrow you cannot say “hamburger.”
6. The Mayonnaise Musical
Hellmann’s Mayonnaise has hired a man named “Meal Diamond” to sing Neil Diamond covers. They are forcing mayonnaise into the realm of musical theater. Mayonnaise is a condiment, not a protagonist. It belongs on a sandwich, not in a sequined jumpsuit. This elevation of egg-based spread to celebrity status is a direct insult to mustard, which has worked harder for longer with zero recognition. It is affirmative action for condiments.
7. The “Black National Anthem” Controversy
Coco Jones will sing “Lift Every Voice and Sing.” The NFL insists on having two anthems because one is apparently not enough to cover all the multicultural bases. The National Football League is segregating patriotism. Soon we will have an anthem for every stinking demographic. A relentless three-hour pregame show where we must stand for the National Anthem, the Black National Anthem, the Latino Anthem, the LGBTQAI+ National Anthem, and the National Anthem for People Who Prefer Cats over Dogs. Just play the game.
8. The Trump Boycott
Donald Trump says he is not going. He says it is “too far away” and he is “anti-them.” If the glorious leader who owns a literal golden airplane thinks a trip to California is too much hassle, you know the vibes are off. He knows that Levi’s Stadium is a trap. He refuses to sit there and watch Green Day call him an idiot while Bad Bunny dances in a skirt. It is a setup, and he is the only one smart enough to stay home and watch golf.
9. The Clydesdales Have gone Soft
Even the Budweiser Clydesdales are acting weird. The teasers show them looking confused at a bucket. The horses used to be majestic symbols of American brewing power. Now they look like they are pondering their existence in a post-industrial society. They have likely been put through sensitivity training. A horse should not have an existential crisis. A horse should pull a wagon.
10. The Game is Flag Football Now
Finally, the reason to boycott the Super Bowl is game itself. Have you seen the penalties? You cannot touch the quarterback. You cannot hit the receiver too hard. You cannot look at the referee with a furrowed brow. They have turned the gridiron into a safe space. It is only a matter of time before they replace the tackling with aggressive hugging. Skip the game before they mandate participation trophies for the losing team.
If you enjoy reading about the games and the gamesters who play them, here are more sporting life tales of gore and glory.
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