The Buck-It List 4.0, Satirical Life Advice
Ten more things you should quit doing while not going gently into that good night. Satirical Life Advice for seniors.
If you have already renounced calorie counting, fitted-sheet origami, and the whole concept of “inside voices” (see Buck-It List 3.0), then congratulations. You are spiritually prepared for the next phase: advanced disengagement.
(1) Updating software
If an app refuses to load because you skipped Version 12.8.4.1-Stable-Beta-Patch-Fix, accept this as divine intervention. The universe does not need you accessing Settings anymore.
(2) Reading product reviews
At your age, you do not need 4.7 stars and 112 user photos to buy a pair of socks. If they fit on a foot, they are good enough. If not, they are still good enough.
(3) Pretending to understand cryptocurrency
The moment someone says “blockchain,” simply walk away. If they keep talking, walk faster. If they follow you, change continents.
(4) Saving leftovers
You are not an archivist at the Smithsonian. That half-eaten burrito is not an heirloom. Set it free.
(5) Refreshing the news
The planet is melting, the politicians are molting, and the stock market is an emotional support hamster. You do not need the blow-by-blow anymore.
(6) Joining loyalty programs
You are never earning enough points for that free toaster. The store knows it. You know it. The toaster knows it.
(7) Parallel parking perfectly
Leave the car slightly crooked. Let the neighbors talk. It gives them purpose.
(8) Googling your symptoms
You know what the diagnosis will be: “It could be anything from dehydration to imminent doom.” Drink some water and take a nap.
(9) Feigning interest in other people’s vacations
If someone says “We did Italy,” just nod. Pretend you are impressed. Mentally erase every detail before they even hit Capri.
(10) Keeping receipts
If the audit ever comes, your best defense is to claim mystical ignorance. “Receipts? I thought those were bookmarks.”
Closing Argument
At this stage of life, the only thing left to curate is your capacity for indifference. Stop polishing the doorknobs on the Titanic. Let the inbox flood, let the leftovers rot, let the car rest at a jaunty angle. The less you cling to the administrative side quests of daily existence, the more oxygen you have for the good stuff.
If the unhinged ramblings of our fearless editor in briefs tickle your brainstem, wander over to our Satirical Commentary and try a line or two.
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