Corporate Horoscopes: Office Humor
Presenting your Corporate Horoscopes: Office Humor, revered and reviled transmissions from the cosmos regarding your slow descent into fluorescent-lit madness. Spoiler: the stars do not care about your professional development plan. Sync your calendars accordingly
Aries (March 21 – April 19) … Mercury in retrograde means every email you send will be interpreted as passive-aggressive, even the ones where you just write “Thanks!” Your attempt to clarify will only make it worse. Mars suggests you stop trying. Accept that Karen from accounting now considers you her nemesis. This is your life going forward.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) … The stars indicate your “quick sync” will metastasize into a ninety- minute meeting where someone shares their screen but forgets to actually share their screen for eleven minutes. Your coffee will go cold. You will not be able to leave because someone always has “just one more thing” right as you reach for the Leave Meeting button. Jupiter laughs at your scheduling optimism.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) … You will be assigned to three projects simultaneously, all with the same impossible deadline, reporting to managers who refuse to acknowledge each other’s existence. When you ask for prioritization, they will all say their project is the priority. The universe suggests developing the ability to astral project into multiple conference rooms at once.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) … Someone will eat your labeled lunch from the office fridge–not just take a bite, but consume the entire thing, Tupperware and all. HR will call this “not a criminal matter” and suggest you “assume positive intent.” The moon weeps for your lost pad thai. Venus indicates this will happen again next Tuesday.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) … Your brilliant, meticulously researched idea will be met with silence in the meeting. Ten minutes later, Chad from sales will repeat it word-for-word using substandard grammar, and leadership will hail him as a visionary. You will receive no credit. The stars suggest you start drinking. Your LinkedIn at least will remain cheerful.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) … Saturn’s malevolent position indicates you will spend four hours color-coordinating a PowerPoint deck, perfecting every transition, sourcing the exact right stock photos of diverse people laughing at salads. Leadership will glance at it for thirty seconds before asking if you can “make it pop more” and “add some pizzazz.” They cannot define pizzazz. You will add a drop shadow, and they will call you a genius.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) … The planets align to curse you with mandatory “fun”–a team-building exercise involving trust falls, revealing your deepest fears to strangers from IT, or perhaps an escape room where the only escape is quitting. Attendance is mandatory. The trust fall will be both literal and metaphorical. Jenkins from finance will let you drop.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) … You will be CC’d on 847 emails that have absolutely nothing to do with your job, your department, or your plane of existence. You must read every one because buried in email #503 is one sentence that might tangentially affect something you worked on in 2019. Neptune suggests madness. Pluto suggests unsubscribing. Neither will work.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) … Your PTO request will be approved with a cheerful “Have fun!” Then, mere hours before your vacation, you will receive a calendar invite: “Quick call – 15 min” scheduled for every day you are supposed to be away. “Just need your input real quick!” it will say. The input will require three hours of prep work. The vacation photos you do not take will haunt you forever.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) … Planetary alignment indicates you will be voluntold for yet another committee–Wellness Committee, Culture Committee, the Committee for Investigating Why We Have So Many Committees. This in addition to your actual job. Your deadlines will not be extended. The committee will meet biweekly and accomplish nothing. You will receive a certificate of appreciation printed on regular printer paper.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) … Your innovative solution will be rejected in Q1 for being “too radical” and “not how we do things here.” In Q3, leadership will propose the exact same idea and be lauded as transformational change-makers. You will be tasked with implementing their “vision.” The stars suggest documenting everything in a folder labeled “I Told You So” that you will never use because you are too tired.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) … Neptune’s chaotic influence means you will finally, FINALLY understand what your job actually entails and how your role fits into the organizational structure–approximately forty-eight hours before the company announces a restructuring that eliminates your position and creates a new one with a different title that is definitely not the same job (it is the same job). You will have to reapply. The interview panel will ask you to describe your current role. They will take notes.
For additional horoscopes from the back of beyond, click here if you dare.