What Would Nietzsche Do? Why Self-Help Books Keep Failing You
The Eternal Left-Swiper
Dear Nietzsche, I have swiped left on 4,000 people and counting. Not one feels right. My therapist says I am “too picky,” but honestly, everyone looks like a tax deduction with legs. What is wrong here?
Dear Apostle of Disgust,
There is nothing wrong with you. You merely possess a functioning Geschmacksorgan (taste organ) in a world addicted to mediocrity. Dating apps are the Fleischmarkt der Verzweiflung – the meat market of despair – where the herd presents its softest angles and blandest hobbies like sacred relics. Your loneliness is not pathology; it is Schutz – protection. Better to swipe forever than settle for someone whose soul is 70% brunch. Continue rejecting the unworthy. Reject them with gusto. And when the app tells you “You’re out of matches,” whisper back: “Excellent.”
The Ghoster Who Got Ghosted Back
Dear Nietzsche, I ghosted a guy after three dates. A month later he somehow ghosted me first–before I even reached out. I feel humiliated. Why does his silence feel stronger than mine?
Dear Apprentice of the Abyss,
You attempted power and met Machtlosigkeit – powerlessness. You believed ghosting made you untouchable. But in ghosting you in advance, he stole the only treasure you had: the illusion that you controlled the narrative.This is the Dialektik der Geister – the dialectic of ghosts. The first ghost is a coward.
The second ghost is a strategist. Let the humiliation seep into your marrow. Let it ferment. Then rise reborn as something more formidable: a person who simply texts, “Not feeling it. Best wishes.” That is how one transcends the Phantomkriege (phantom wars).
The Profile Pic Philosopher
Dear Nietzsche, people say my dating profile photo is too “honest.” They say I should add filters, better lighting, maybe even a different face entirely. Am I sabotaging myself if I refuse?
Dear Warrior Against the Soft-Focus Lie,
Your refusal to beautify yourself is heroic. It is also doomed. Dating apps are temples of Schönheitsdiktatur – the dictatorship of appearance – where everyone pretends to be better-lit versions of their actual emptiness. Show your real face anyway.
Not because it will help you find love, but because it will terrify those who fear the truth.
You are offering the world your authentic Existenz – and the world is responding with ring lights.Let them flee. Anyone who cannot handle your unfiltered visage does not deserve your filtered trauma.
For more questionable wisdom from the only advice column where your neuroses meet their philosophical match, click What Would Nietzsche Do?