Trump Commission Discovers Thousands of Landmarks Not Named After Trump
The Trump Commission on Presidential Recognition and Geographic Correctness has uncovered “a disturbing nationwide pattern of bridges, schools, mountains, rivers, and municipal sewage treatment facilities still bearing names other than Donald Trump’s.”
The Commission released its preliminary findings yesterday, identifying more than 47,000 public landmarks whose names make no reference to the president whatsoever.
“This is not an oversight,” Trump declared. “You do not accidentally name a mountain Mount Rainier. Somebody made that decision. Probably a Democrat. And nobody knows what Rainier ever did for this country.”
Trump Commission chairman Leonard P. Strunk, 61, a former Atlantic City parking garage developer who once attempted to copyright the word entrance and charge people for its use, said the investigation had uncovered troubling evidence of historical discrimination.
“Consider the Hoover Dam,” Strunk explained. “Herbert Hoover has been dead for sixty-two years, yet his name remains attached to an enormous federal structure. President Trump is very much alive, and not one major American dam bears his name. Explain that.” Commission officials declined to elaborate, citing the ongoing investigation.
The commission has recommended immediate corrective action, beginning with the renaming of the Lincoln Memorial, the George Washington Bridge, and approximately six hundred public elementary schools.
Municipal sewage treatment facilities have received particular attention after Trump reportedly learned that thousands operate without displaying his name.
“Nobody has done more for waste management than me,” the president insisted. “Nobody.”
National Park Service officials have expressed concern about the proposed renaming of the Grand Canyon, noting that the Trump Canyon designation might require extensive alterations to existing maps, signage, and geological records.
Trump dismissed those objections, observing that the canyon was not particularly grand when he first saw it.
The commission has recommended renaming the Mississippi River, although negotiations have stalled over the president’s demand that it flow past Mar-a-Lago.”
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