Month: March 2006

NEW YORK – Naomi Campbell says it was all a misunderstanding. The four-stitch head wound suffered yesterday by her housekeeper, Ana Scolavino, occurred during secret rehearsals for the new reality show Campbell’s Soup, not in a fit of rage, as newspapers are reporting. “I expect to be completely vindicated,” said Ms. Campbell, 35, as she emerged Read More

MALIBU – For the second time today Britney Spears has taken to her website to denounce sculptor Daniel Edwards, this time for making her butt look fat. Mr. Edwards, who has never met Ms. Spears, allegedly used photos of her as the inspiration for his latest work, “Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston.” Read More

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise, Brokeback Mountain, and Britney Spears all made statements yesterday. We thought you’d like to know, and even if you pretend you wouldn’t, we’re going to tell you anyway. Mr. Cruise said recent stories that Katie Holmes will be expected to remain quiet when she gives birth to Hubbard Mapother Cruise are Read More

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – A Jennifer Lopez fan site has been accused of plagiarism by Postcards from the Pug Bus editor in briefs, Phil Maggitti, who alleges that the fan site “ripped off” his July 4, 2005, Pug Bus entry, “Jennifer Lopez Starts Pet Advice Column,” and reprinted it without permission or attribution the following day. Worse Read More

SUNNYVALE, Calif. – Tom Cruise’ appearance at Yahoo’s Sunnyvale campus this week was calculated to achieve two effects. First, Mr. Cruise wanted desperately to call attention away from the season opener of South Park Wednesday night, an episode in which Chef, formerly voiced by Scientologist Isaac Hayes, is brain-washed into becoming a pedophile after he joins a Read More

CERNOBBIO, Italy – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie did not show up in this tiny northern Italian village to get married over the weekend; but if they had, they would not have made an impression on Arnaldo Bonpensiero, senior desk clerk at the Hotel Miralago. “You call them movie stars? I call them peasants,” said Read More

LOS ANGELES – Scientologist-actor Tom Cruise announced yesterday that Vianetics, the newly formed Scientology vitamin research and development company, will begin marketing Vitamin TK “in the near future.” Vitamin TK, which is believed to be short for TomKat, has been proven in clinical trials to reverse the course of bird flu “in a nanosecond,” said Mr. Read More

NEW YORK – Tom Cruise, whom no one has ever accused of being self-deprecating, threw a tantrum when he learned that Comedy Central was planning to re-broadcast the infamous “Trapped in the Closet” episode of South Park on Wednesday March 15. According to Daily Variety, Mr. Cruise demanded the episode be pulled or else he would refuse to Read More

COOTER, Mo. – Sharon Stone is expected to visit the tiny southern Missouri hamlet of Cooter early next week to announce that she is joining the cast of Naked News. Not satisfied with appearing naked in the soon-to-be-released Basic Instinct 2, Ms. Stone sent an audition tape to Naked News last month. “We were intrigued by the tape, which Read More

NEW JERSEY – Mob boss Tony Soprano was the victim of a Dick Cheney-style hit on the season opener of The Sopranos last night. Mr. Soprano was shot once in the abdomen by his Uncle Junior, who mistook him for an intruder when he (Uncle Junior) came downstairs in his house and saw Mr. Soprano standing in Read More

MAUI – Britney Spears is quickly learning to appreciate the culture and customs of Hawaii, as the accompanying image shows. In that image Ms. Spears, wearing an autographed organic hat from Bono’s Edun collection, is cheerfully participating in the ancient Hawaiian wedding custom Wahuli Loma. According to Hawaiian tradition, newlyweds can secure the blessings of Read More

HOLLYWOOD – Nicole Richie, a celebrity not particularly known for her social conscience,or her interest in food, has asked California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to become involved in the movement to stop the passage of legislation that would delete many warnings from food labels. What has Ms. Richie’s bib in a tucker is a bill passed Read More