Britney Spears on Hawaii, Orlando Bloom on Crack

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MAUI – Britney Spears is quickly learning to appreciate the culture and customs of Hawaii, as the accompanying image shows. In that image Ms. Spears, wearing an autographed organic hat from Bono’s Edun collection, is cheerfully participating in the ancient Hawaiian wedding custom Wahuli Loma.

According to Hawaiian tradition, newlyweds can secure the blessings of Wahuli Loma on themselves and their children if they push a lawn chair with a pregnant tourist in it ten yards in fewer than twenty seconds on their wedding day. Wahuli Loma, the Hawaiian god/goddess of fertility, has the face of Don Ho and the body of a female volcano.

Ms. Spears said she was unaware of the lounge-chair-pushing custom when she wandered into the wedding reception on the grounds of the hotel where she and her husband rap star Kevin “K-Fed” Federline are staying.

“Ah was jes lookin’ for mah daymn huzbund,” said Ms. Spears. “Ah’d heard he wuz scopin’ out the talent at some weddin’ reception, and ah was gonna tear him a new one if hit was true. Ah ain’t spendin’ $12,000 a night on some honeymoon suite to rekindle mah daymn marriage jes so he kin step out on me. He kin do that at home for free.”

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LONDON – Apparently believing that desperate times call for desperate measures, Orlando Bloom has taken to revealing his crack whenever the opportunity presents itself. Mr. Bloom told Sirius radio personality Howard Stern that he had adopted this unusual habit in order to call attention away from his boyishly handsome face.

“I want people to see more than my face when they look at me,” said Mr. Bloom. “People don’t act just with their faces. Their bodies are their instruments, and I want people to respect me for mine.”

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In the accompanying photos Mr. Bloom is seen emerging from a Starbucks in London. As soon as he spies paparazzi across the street, he drops to one knee and pretends to retie one of his shoes, deftly revealing an inch-and-a-half of butt cleavage in the process.

Mr. Bloom said he learned the technique from his uncle Trevor, a plumber.

“We used to tease Uncle Trevor about showing his crack to ladies all over London,” said Mr. Bloom, “and he’d always reply, ‘More people have seen my bum than Elton John’s.’

“He was quite the cut up that Uncle Trevor.”

In other news, President George W. Bush is expected to announce tomorrow his plan to hand over the security detail at United States ports to the Soprano Family.

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