December 2006 – postcards from the pug bus

Britney Spears Tops Paris Hilton, You as Person of the Year

Chip Hilton 433 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Britney Spears is the Postcards from the Pus Bus 2006 Person of the Year. Ms. Spears captured the title hands down, and occasionally face down, and why not? Hers is easily the most recognizable face and name in the world. Not the most recognizable celebrity face and name, but the most Read More

News

President Bush Asked Angelina Jolie to Attend Saddam Hussein Hanging

Chip Hilton 403 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Hoping to maximize the public relations bounce from the news of Saddam Hussein’s hanging, President Bush had planned to ask Angelina Jolie to attend the execution of the deposed Iraqi dictator as the official representative of the United States. Unfortunately the president’s top military advisors failed to calculate the time difference between Read More

News

Rosie O’Donnell Attacks Betty Ford, James Brown

Chip Hilton 427 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Rosie O’Donnell, basking in the attention generated by her feud with Donald Trump, has attacked Betty Ford and the late James Brown. Ms. O’Donnell, formerly a magazine editor and talk show host, and currently one-third by volume of ABC’s The View, called Mrs. Ford “a whining titless wonder” during a tribute to former Read More

Celebrities

Angelina Jolie Gives Free Tattoos to Refugees for Christmas

philmaggitti 418 Views 1 min read

COSTA RICA – Crusading artistes Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt swooped into Costa Rica on Christmas day to visit the People’s Tattoo Clinic, which the do-gooding couple is quietly helping to finance. The swellegant Ms. Jolie, easily the UN’s hottest goodwill ambassador (no offense to Nicole Kidman intended), caused quite the stir at the Christmas Read More

Religion

Sylvester Stallone Says God Wrote Rocky

philmaggitti 469 Views 3 min read

LOS ANGELES – Rocky Balboa climbing off the canvas. Jesus Christ climbing out of the tomb. Mere similarities with no causal connection? Not according to Sylvester Stallone, who told Christian leaders in a conference call yesterday that the six movies in the Rocky series are “the inspired word of God.” “Rocky is Jesus, fighting the devil, who Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Vows to Return Worst Dog Owner Award

philmaggitti 442 Views 2 min read

MALIBU – An agitated Britney Spears told reporters she had not “dramatized” her dogs by having sex in front of them, and she “did-dint” deserve to be voted World’s Worst Celebrity Dog Owner of 2006. What’s more, she vowed, “when that doggone thing arrives, I’m sending it back.” The embattled one-time singer, who banished her Read More

Pug Bus Pop Quiz

Brad Pitt, Katie Holmes, Keith Richards Birthday Quiz

philmaggitti 400 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Brad Pitt, Katie Holmes, and Keith Richards might seem to be strange birthday bedfellows at first, but as our exclusive quiz reveals, they just might have more in common than the same birthday. Then again, they might not; or perhaps most people just don’t give a shit. Whatever. 1. Both are Read More

News

Mel Gibson Apologizes to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over Holocaust Slight

Biff Scuzzy 440 Views 2 min read

MALIBU – Mel Gibson has apologized to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for failing to attend Review of the Holocaust: Global Vision, the scholarly conference that “reexamines” long-established facts about the Holocaust. The high-profile conference, hosted by President Ahmadinejad in Tehran this week, drew sixty-one participants from thirty-seven countries. A high-placed source at the conference has Read More

Sporting Life

Duke Offers Alleged Rape Victim’s Baby Legacy Status

philmaggitti 446 Views 2 min read

DURHAM, N.C. – Duke University has reached out to a twenty-eight-year-old student-stripper known as Precious, who claims she was verbally abused while being raped and sodomized by three members of Duke’s lacrosse team at a party last March. University president Richard H. Brodhead issued a statement yesterday, “with the full faith and backing of the Read More

Celebrities

Ben Affleck Quits Acting to Save Daughter

philmaggitti 448 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Ben Affleck has vowed to give up acting for the sake of his one-year-old daughter, Violet. The star of Hollywoodland made the decision despite having been nominated for his first Golden Globe award, because “she’s going to have my last name and I don’t want her to mutter it over a drink. I want Read More

Celebrities

Nancy Grace Sues Tweety Bird

Biff Scuzzy 480 Views 2 min read

ATLANTA, Ga. – Television talk show lawyer Nancy Grace has filed a $300-million lawsuit against cartoon figure Tweety Bird. Citing extreme mental anguish, “worse even than when my old boyfriend got whacked,” Ms. Grace vowed “to wipe that bird off the face of the earth so that people will finally stop saying I look like Read More

Celebrities

Nicole Richie Arrest Sparks Recall of Mercedes-Benz Series

philmaggitti 428 Views 3 min read

LOS ANGELES – The Nicole Richie model SUV has been recalled by Mercedes-Benz, a company spokesman confirmed this morning. The recall, which includes the lightweight NR99 and the ultra-light weight NR85, follows close on the heels of Ms. Richie’s DUI arrest earlier this week. “We are sorry for any inconvenience this recall may occasion for Read More

News

Bush Twins Sued by RIAA for Illegal Downloading

Biff Scuzzy 426 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bold and unprecedented move the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has filed a $22.5-million lawsuit against Jenna and Barbara Bush. The Bush twins, 25, are accused of downloading more than twenty thousand music files illegally from the popular file-sharing site Shareaza. “We filed this suit to show music pirates Read More

Celebrities

Lindsay Lohan Accused of Plagiarism

Chip Hilton 417 Views 3 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Lindsay Lohan has been accused of plagiarism by an eighth grade student in Omaha, Nebraska. The student, Shelly Atwater, is a member of Miss Leopold’s homeroom at John Glenn Middle School. Ms. Atwater claims that parts of her essay on educational values, which was posted on Myspace.com on November 27 as part of Read More

Celebrities

Wesley Snipes Launches Tax Advice Website

philmaggitti 418 Views 2 min read

OCALA, Fla. – Wesley Snipes talked briefly with reporters yesterday after leaving the courthouse where he had just pleaded not guilty to eight counts of federal income tax fraud. The star of Jungle Fever and other films said that he was so certain of prevailing “in the face of these racially motivated charges” that he was launching Read More

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