September 2007 – postcards from the pug bus

Rudy Giuliani Proposes Moving Kwanzaa to New Time Slot

philmaggitti 410 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK—Rudy Giuliani may have skipped the GOP presidential debate at historically black Morgan State University last night, but his absence does not mean he won’t take African American issues seriously, a Giuliani spokesman said today. “The mayor wants to reassure his African American base that he is in touch with his inner blackness,” said Read More

News

Madeleine McCann Sightings Impede Investigation

Biff Scuzzy 423 Views 2 min read

LONDON – The latest Madeleine McCann “sighting” confirms an ironic phenomenon: sightings of the missing four-year-old are impeding the search for her by siphoning away time, money, and resources that could be spent more wisely applying thumbscrews to her parents. The most recent Madeleine sighting to come a cropper was in the village of Zinat, Read More

Culture Sporting Life

Brad Pitt to Star in Barbaro the Musical

philmaggitti 407 Views 2 min read

KENNETT SQUARE, Penna. – Brad Pitt, fresh off his triumph in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, is set to star in a horse opera of another color: the inspiring story of Barbaro, the super horse who captured the lonely eyes of a nation. Thanks to the vision of Smegma Productions and Read More

Celebrities

Jennifer Aniston’s New Body Confident with Jennifer Aniston

Chip Hilton 425 Views 1 min read

LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Aniston’s new body is telling friends that it’s confident Ms. Aniston can compete with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for serious movie roles and magazine covers. “There’s more to Jennifer Aniston than a nice rack and a tight, little ass,” said Ms. Aniston’s new body, dressed in a revealing top and Read More

Sporting Life

Donovan McNabb Says Black Dogfighters Are More Criticized

philmaggitti 459 Views 2 min read

PHILADELPHIA – Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb has gone deep again. His target this time is the perceived inequality in the treatment of white and black dogfighters. “Black dogfighters get criticized far more often than white dogfighters do,” Mr. McNabb told Philadelphia Inquirer columnist David Aldridge. “You saw what happened to Michael Vick. If that had been Tom Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Fans Will Stage Nude Protest Rally

Chip Hilton 475 Views 3 min read

LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears fans will stage a nude protest rally in front of the Staples Center this Saturday in support of “every mother’s right” to go naked around her children. The rally, which kicks off at noon, is sponsored by MUFF (Mothers Undressed in Freedom Forever), a pro-home-nudity group that counts many Britney Read More

Sporting Life

Donovan McNabb Says O.J. Simpson Was Framed

philmaggitti 419 Views 2 min read

PHILADELPHIA – Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb believes O.J. Simpson was framed for kidnapping, armed robbery, and hooliganism because he is “too black for the dominant white culture” that rules America. “Black man can’t fart without getting arrested in this country because we scare all y’all,” Mr. McNabb told Today host Matt Lauer this morning. “It’s a Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears’ Sons Not Bothered by Her Nudity, Drug Use

Chip Hilton 418 Views 1 min read

LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears’ sons have refuted claims that her using drugs and walking around naked all the time represent a danger to their well being—or an impediment to their continued growth and social development. Speaking through an attorney, Sean Preston Spears, 2, and his brother, Jayden James Spears, 1, said their mother is Read More

Sporting Life

O.J. Simpson Claims Stealing from Yourself Isn’t Wrong

Biff Scuzzy 414 Views 3 min read

LAS VEGAS – O.J. Simpson is confident he did nothing wrong when he barged into a casino hotel room with a small posse to repossess items that, he claims, had been stolen from him. The hall-of-fame halfback believes “the law of double jeopardy” permits him to re-acquire “shit that is rightfully mines. “I know the Read More

News

Osama Bin Laden Bombs in CNN 911 Awards Opener

Biff Scuzzy 424 Views 2 min read

ATLANTA – It was meant to be Osama Bin Laden’s career revival, a triumphant return to form that would finally shush the incessant whispering that he was dead. Bin Laden, however, failed to live up to the moment when he kicked off CNN’s 911 Commemoration Awards on Tuesday. Dressed in a white hat, white shirt, Read More

News

Kate McCann’s Diary, an Exclusive Peek

philmaggitti 424 Views 4 min read

LONDON – Pages purported to have come from Kate McCann’s diary have been photocopied and leaked to The Sun, England’s tabloid conscience. According to the paper’s managing editor, Malcolm Pease, the diary pages arrived via fax at The Sun‘s lifestyle desk late yesterday afternoon. “Independent handwriting experts have checked the writing against a sample of Kate McCann’s Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Not Working, Hillary Clinton Calls for Withdrawal

Biff Scuzzy 461 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Britney Spears is not working, says Democratic presidential frontrunner, Hillary Clinton, and its time to withdraw support for the fallen pop star, no matter what General David Petraeus says. “George Bush can send all the little tin soldiers he wants to Capitol Hill,” said Senator Clinton, “but he can’t camouflage the fact Read More

News

Petraeus Says Surge Is Working, Britney Spears Needs More Time

Chip Hilton 430 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – General David Petraeus told Congress yesterday that President Bush’s surge in Iraq is working, but Operation Britney Spears will need more time before the fallen pop star can be entrusted with policing her own career. Meanwhile, said the nation’s top military commander, we must be patient and allow Ms. Spears “the time Read More

Celebrities

Indiana Jones Movie Won’t Be Called The Colonoscopy of Doom

philmaggitti 477 Views 1 min read

HOLLYWOOD – The long-awaited new Indiana Jones movie will not be called Indiana Jones and the Colonoscopy of Doom, despite Harrison Ford’s stumping on behalf of that title. Shia LaBeouf told reporters at the MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas last night that the next installment in the popular Indiana Jones series will be called Indiana Read More

Celebrities

Vanessa Hudgens Homemade Sex Video Surfaces on Internet

Chip Hilton 462 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Vanessa Hudgens has more to apologize for than a few perky-breasted but otherwise virginal nude photos currently starring as the screen savers du jour of sticky-fingered Internet types, young and old, across the United States. The photos, it seems, were only the tit of the iceberg. Bed-headed geeks and freaks with dodgy Read More

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