September 2011 – postcards from the pug bus

Trey Anastasio App Pulled by Google, Phish Fans Bummed

philmaggitti 452 Views 2 min read

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. – In a move that is certain to harsh the mellows of thousands of Phish fans, Google announced late yesterday that it has cancelled the release of the greatly anticipated Trey Anastasio app, which had been scheduled for release at 4:20 a.m. today, the singer’s forty-seventh birthday. Ronald Forbin, chief of quality Read More

Celebrities

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Mounting Remake of Don Quixote

Chip Hilton 486 Views 3 min read

HOLLYWOOD – In conjunction with what would have been Miguel de Cervantes’ 464th birthday, Tom Cruise has scheduled a press conference for this afternoon. Sources close to Mr. Cruise claim he will announce that work will begin soon on a major project—turning Miguel de Cervantes’ Don Quixote into an action movie. “Tom really digs the parallels between Read More

Blog

An Open Letter to Those Barenaked People in San Francisco

philmaggitti 482 Views 4 min read

Dear Hideous-Looking Assholes:OK, you had your little nude-in last Saturday, now put your damn clothes on. Put ’em all on, every last bit you left at home in an arrogant, misguided attempt to shove your stinking business into innocent faces. Get real, Grizzled Nuts. You looked better in your diversity T-shirt and cargo pants than you do Read More

Sporting Life

Hookers Rally in Philadelphia to Protest NBA Lockout

philmaggitti 415 Views 3 min read

PHILADELPHIA – When two pick-up teams featuring NBA stars LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Carmelo Anthony, and others lace up their $1,200 sneakers at Philadelphia’s Palestra tonight, they will be shadowed by at least a dozen hookers who plan to mount a protest outside the storied gymnasium. They hope to make the public aware that the Read More

Culture

Texas Says Death Row Inmates Deserve Healthier Last Meals

philmaggitti 445 Views 3 min read

HUNTSVILLE, Texas – The execution of Lawrence Brewer has reignited the controversy about the last meals traditionally served to inmates on death row. Mr. Brewer, forty-four, was executed in the Texas State Penitentiary last night for killing a handicapped black man thirteen years ago by dragging him from the back of a pick-up truck. Before Read More

Sporting Life

Patriots Cheerleader Alexa Flutie Should Jump to Canada

philmaggitti 386 Views 2 min read

FOXBORO, Mass. – Alexa Flutie, who finally made the New England Patriots cheerleading team this year, should consider a move to the CFL (Canadian Football League), says one scout, who asked not to be identified. “She’s too small and too slow for the National Football League (NFL),” said the scout. “She’d do better in Canada, Read More

Sporting Life

How to Tell If Your College Football Team’s Uniforms Are Gay

philmaggitti 530 Views 1 min read

BRISTOL, Conn. – Are we hallucinating or have college football uniforms become more and more gay looking these days? When your alma mater takes the field, do its team members look like football players or androgynous superheroes at a comic book convention? These are not rhetorical questions. If they were, ESPN would not have added an athletic Read More

News

Celebrating National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month

philmaggitti 459 Views 2 min read

PHILADELPHIA – September is National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month, when we pause to acknowledge obese children across the United States. A growing presence in this country, obese children have ballooned from 6.5 to 19.6 percent of the childhood population in the last three decades. The National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion, which Read More

Music

An Open Letter to the Rolling Stones

philmaggitti 484 Views 3 min read

Dear Mick, Keith, Charlie, and the New Guy,I have learned recently that you geezers might be touring next year. Please don’t. In the name of all that’s wrinkled, wizened, and way past its prime—namely you sorry git—take a minute to stop and think about what you’re doing. You look like shite; you sound like shite. Read More

Ass Hats

Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts, Hooker-Kid Mom Is Ass Hat of the Moment

philmaggitti 477 Views 3 min read

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – What sort of dipshit thinks it’s “hysterically funny” to dress her three-year-old daughter as a hooker and shove her onstage before a nationwide television audience on something called Toddlers & Tiaras? How fucked in the head, how worthless in your own mind do you have to be to get off on using Read More

Pug Bus Pop Quiz

Help Save the Post Office, Take This Quiz

philmaggitti 464 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – The United States Postal Service (USPS) may go tits up this winter if Congress doesn’t provide it with mail sacks full of cash, roughly $5.5 billion, give or take. That’s the depth of the shit hole the USPS needs to drag its sorry ass out of by the end of this Read More

Religion

Rick Perry Says Animals Were Domesticated by Intelligent Design

philmaggitti 414 Views 2 min read

MULESHOE, Texas – Governor Rick Perry told an audience at the First Evangelical Church of the Chosen Flock last night that schools in Texas should stop teaching “the heathen theory of domestication.” Speaking at the conclusion of the church’s annual snake handling festival, Governor Perry declared, “Just like the pagan theory of evolution ought to Read More

News

Text of Obama’s Jobs Speech Leaked

Biff Scuzzy 439 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The text of President Obama’s major address about jobs, scheduled to be delivered before a joint session of Congress Thursday night, has been obtained by the Washington Post‘s Bob Woodward. Although Mr. Woodward declined to say how he had obtained the text, he did say he was surprised at “the boldness of President Read More

Politics

Bush Surprised by Visit to Iraq, Thought He Was in Texas

Chip Hilton 466 Views 2 min read

AL-ASAD AIR BASE, Iraq – President Bush made a surprise visit to the Al Asad Air Base in the Anbar province of Iraq Monday morning. “Shit yeah, it was a surprise all right,” said a top White House aide under promise of anonymity. “We told him he was going to Texas. You should have seen Read More

News

Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin Gone and Forgotten

philmaggitti 459 Views 2 min read

PHILADELPHIA – Five years ago tomorrow Steve Irwin, better known as the crocodile hunter, died as he had lived: messing with a dangerous critter with whom he had no business messing. This time it was a bull stingray, who was minding his own business in waters near the Great Barrier Reef when the Billy Mays Read More