December 2016 – postcards from the pug bus

San Francisco to Host Young Trannies Beauty Pageant

philmaggitti 490 Views 2 min read

SAN FRANCISCO—On Valentine’s Day the Bay Area Gender Benders will host the first annual JonBenét Ramsey Young Trannies Beauty Pageant. Open to innocent children between the ages of four and eight, the Young Trannies pageant will feature talent, fancy dress, and self-defense competitions. “It’s never too early to foster positive gender images or to let Read More

News

Trump Praises Pug Bus for Official English Policy

Biff Scuzzy 447 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK—President-elect Donald Trump said yesterday that he wants to see English become the official language in all fifty states. Currently English is the official language in thirty-two states, which require that state government business be conducted in English. “We must not allow ourselves to become a nation of Babels, like Canada, or Hawaii, which Read More

Culture Religion

Facebook Presents the Twelve Genders of Christmas

philmaggitti 522 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—Facebook is a festering boil on the right butt cheek of humanity, largely because Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerberg is a sushi-loving Nancy boy who squats to pee. Not content with giving Fuck Bookers forty-nine more gender choices (fifty-on) than they needed (two), Zipper Boy stuffed twenty additional gender choices up the alt-right’s ass. Read More

News

Michael Moore Urges Simultaneous Toilet Flush on Inauguration Day

philmaggitti 441 Views 1 min read

FLINT, MI—In his ongoing quest to delegitimize Donald Trump’s presidency, Michael Moore is now urging Americans to flush their toilets en masse when Mr. Trump takes the oath of office on inauguration day. “It’s our version of draining the swamp,” said Mr. Moore. “We call it swamping the drains.” According to Mr. Moore, Read More

The Grammar Prick

Trump Appoints Grammar Prick to New Cabinet Post

Biff Scuzzy 518 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President-elect Donald J. Trump has appointed the Grammar Prick to the newly created cabinet post of Secretary of Grammar and Usage, which will replace the moribund Department of Education. Mr. Prick is legendary for his animadversions against those who violate the rules of polite discourse, spoken or written. His work is featured exclusively on Read More

Politics

Black Lives Matter Calls for Boycott of White Avatars

philmaggitti 438 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK—D’Aryll Scott-Jones, HMFIC of Black Lives Matter, called for immediate boycotts yesterday of all websites “that allow white supremacists to hide behind blank, lily-white avatars in their comments sections.” Mr. Scott-Jones made his remarks to National Public Radio’s Terri Gross. “White avatars allow bigoted crackers to spew their venom while hiding in plain sight,” Read More

Innerviews Politics

Barack Obama’s “Other” Half Is a White Nationalist

philmaggitti 515 Views 4 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—Barack Hussein Obama, America’s putative first black president, is a man who knows how to sell a contradiction; but just as no man is a hero to his valet, Barack Hussein is no hero to his white half, who prefers to be known as Barry, the name Barack Hussein preferred before he discovered his Read More

Politics

Alt-right Website Explains Difference Between Nazi and Roman Salutes

philmaggitti 455 Views 2 min read

Dear Friedrich,I was on my way to a cell meeting the other day when I met a friend on the street who greeted me with a raised-arm salute. I wanted to return her greeting, yet I couldn’t tell whether she had given me a Roman or a Nazi salute, and I didn’t want to commit Read More

U.S. News

Keith Richards Picks Donald Trump in Electoral College Vote

philmaggitti 467 Views 5 min read

NEW YORK—Rolling Stones poltergeist and guitarist Keith Richards, 73, celebrated his birthday today by announcing his support for Donald J. Trump when “those cats at the electoral college meet to elect a president tomorrow.” Mr. Richards, who is 142 in Smirnoff years, is famous for a life punctuated by one near-death experience after another. “I Read More

Religion

God Says He Never Saw This Election Coming

philmaggitti 459 Views 2 min read

The Lord God Almighty—King of Kings, Giver of All Gifts, Father of All Fathers, and Keeper of the Most Holy Restroom Key—admitted today that he “never saw this election coming.” Speaking exclusively to Postcards from the Pug Bus as part of his atheist outreach program, The Big Fella shook his leonine head slowly and continued, Read More

Sporting Life

Gay Rights Group Slams Half-Time Engagement

Chip Hilton 488 Views 1 min read

CHICAGO—Born That Way, a militant, self-described “queer rights” group, condemned the recent engagement of two fellows named Michael and Jake at halftime of a Chicago Bulls home game. The stunt went down a treat with members of the OMG fainting-couch community. “The NBA’s First In-Game Gay Marriage Proposal Has Us Actually Crying It’s So Sweet,” Read More

Sporting Life

BLM Threatens to Disrupt Giants-Lions Game This Sunday

philmaggitti 566 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK—Black Lives Matter (BLM) has demanded that New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning apologize to Dallas Cowboys black quarterback Dak Prescott for “disrespecting the brother” following the Giants 10-7 home victory over the Cowboys last Sunday. It’s difficult to imagine Eli Manning “disrespecting” anyone, apart from the New England Patriots in two Super Bowls. Read More

News

Alt-right Satire Site Wants Photos of Naked Progressives

philmaggitti 515 Views 1 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—Thirty-six years ago today my favorite progressive was murdered. John Winston Lennon was the kind of person who wasn’t afraid to take off his clothes and stand up for what he thought was right. I think more progressives ought to follow his lead. Enough with all this pearl clutching and fainting, my fellow Read More

News

WikiLeaks Reveals Identity of Time’s Person of the Year

philmaggitti 466 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK—Fresh off its revelation of the Democrats’ blueprint for attacking Jeff Sessions—Donald Trump’s choice for attorney general—WikiLeaks revealed this morning the identity of Time magazine’s person of the year for 2016: The White Half of Barack Obama. “If there truly is a forgotten man in America today, the white half of Barack Obama is it,” writes Time in Read More

Ass Hats

Huff Post Scribbler Get Asshat Award for Setting New Lows in Virtue Signaling

Biff Scuzzy 478 Views 2 min read

Huffington Post scribbler Cole Delbyck has got himself an ass hat for vowing never to watch Last Tango in Paris again. He put on his big-boy pants and proudly announced his resolve in a mawkish exercise in virtue signaling entitled, “That Famous Rape Scene In ‘Last Tango in Paris’ Was In Fact Not Consensual, Director Read More

← Previous