WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush has added his voice to the growing chorus demanding an investigation into the whereabouts of actress Katie Holmes. Like an increasing number of Americans, President Bush has come to doubt that the actress—or actresses—who have been joined at the hip with Tom Cruise at movie premiers around the world is the real Katie Holmes. The real Holmes, say Bush and other observers, just might be languishing in a bunker deep below the Scientology Center in Hollywood.
“America deserves an explanation regarding the fate of one of its brightest young actresses,” said Bush in a prepared statement released by the White House today. “This isn’t Aruba, where a pretty girl can just vanish and never be heard from again.”
According to members of the Free Katie movement, the real Katie Holmes was last seen at VH1’s “Save the Music” concert in New York City on April 11. At that point she had yet to meet Tom Cruise. Later in the week Holmes flew to Los Angeles at Cruise’ invitation to join the diminutive actor for dinner at the Scientology Center in Hollywood and to discuss a part in “Mission Impossible 3.” The next time Holmes appeared in public, April 27, she was playing tonsil hockey with Cruise in Rome for the benefit of Italian news photographers.
“That didn’t look like the Katie I knew,” said longtime Holmes friend Meghann Birie. “Katie never went in for cheap public displays of affection like that. She also had a thing about not dating men she had to lean down to kiss.”
Birie said she’s called her old friend “dozens of times” during the last six weeks, but none of those calls has been returned. Holmes also stopped returning calls from her manager and agent, each of whom she had been with for years, and each of whom no longer represents her. In their stead is a posse of grim-lipped Scientologists who watch over Holmes the way Mia Farrow’s neighbors watched over her in “Rosemary’s Baby.”
If Birie was eager to know when Holmes had met Cruise, so are a lot of people. On that topic, however, both Holmes and Cruise have been evasive. In fact, Holmes, 26, interrupted her giggling when David Letterman asked her where she had met Cruise, 42. The actress glared at Letterman, then replied, “It was love at first sight.” She never bothered to say when the “it” took place.
Despite Holmes’ efforts at making her relationship with Cruise sound like a storybook romance, the Free Katie movement has learned that prior to Holmes’ coming out party in Rome, Cruise had dangled “Mission Impossible” roles in front of other actresses.
“We know that Tom Cruise talked to Jennifer Garner, Kate Bosworth, and Lindsay Lohan about playing opposite him in ‘Mission Impossible’ before he talked to Katie Holmes,” said President Bush. “What we don’t know is why those capable young ladies did not get the part. Was it because they were asked to play another role, an off-screen role they did not want to play?”
Bush’s theory is supported by Scarlett Johansson. According to a Fox News column, Johansson “ran for her life” when Cruise offered her a contract and asked if she wanted to see his secret bunker after the two had dined at the Scientology Center in Hollywood.
Although Johansson has never discussed the terms of that contract, friends of the actress say it required her “to be available to Mr. Cruise on a twenty-four-hour basis for a period of no fewer than two years.”
Did Katie Holmes try to run for her life when presented with this offer? And did a desperate Tom Cruise, whose next option was the eleven-year-old Dakota Fanning, finally snap?
“Mr. Cruise certainly hasn’t been himself here lately,” said President Bush. “We don’t think the woman he’s been fawning over in public is exactly herself either.”
In other news, the National Hockey League has canceled plans to introduce a Karla Homolka bobble-head doll as a fund-raiser to benefit the children of unemployed hockey players.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
