Britney Spears Returning to Kabbalah

MALIBU – Britney Spears wants to return to the practice of Kabbalah. During an intense week in rehab at Promises-by-
the-Sea Tranquility Centre, Ms. Spears tumbled to the conclusion that her life began to unravel last spring after she had announced on her website that she was quits with Kabbalah.

“I never shoulda did that,” Ms. Spears told her private cocaine-abuse counselor at Promises-by-the-Sea. “It was the dumbest thing I ever done.”

Kabbalah is grounded in an ancient body of knowledge that explains the nature of divinity, the creation of matter, the mysteries of accessorizing, and the role of bad publicity in the universe. Kabbalah practitioners, whose number includes Madonna, Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, and Roseanne Barr, wear red strings around their wrists at all times.

“The red string is so much more than a fashion statement,” Madonna explains. “It absorbs the subconscious energy of our negative thoughts and inclinations. Thus, it protects us from harm and allows us to realize our full potential in every area of our lives.”

Followers of Kabbalah never remove their red strings once they have put them on, believing that only when the red string falls off of its own accord is a person free of all subconscious spiritual baggage. To remove the red string prematurely is to risk seeing your life spiral downward like water in a flushed toilet.

Britney Spears claims to have seen that spiral come full circle. She confided as much to her private junk-food-abuse counselor at Promises this week. More to the point, Ms. Spears spoke with her private spiritual-decorating counselor and requested that one of the suites in the wing Ms. Spears has rented to speed her recovery be converted into a replica of the Kabbalah room she once had in her Malibu mansion.

Finally, Ms. Spears instructed her private fashion-accessories counselor to collect samples of organically made string from which to construct a new Kabbalah wrist band.

“This time,” said Ms. Spears in her weekly conference call with gossip magazine editors, “I ain’t gonna take that string off no matter how many times I puke on it.”

Next Oprah: Rachael Ray’s 30-Minute Kabbalah Recipes.    

If the public pratfalls of Hollywood’s overpaid, virtue-signaling drama llamas make your day as they make ours, check out these Celebrity Shockers — where meltdowns, mugshots, and micro-bikinis collide.