May 2006 – Page 2 – postcards from the pug bus

Britney Spears, Courtney Love Top Stretch Marks Poll

Biff Scuzzy 492 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Britney Spears and Courtney Love finished in a virtual dead heat in the Postcards from the Pug Bus First Annual Stretch Marks Poll. After studying the skanky photo on the left, 1,592 voters were asked whether Britney Spears, Katie Holmes, Gwyneth Paltrow, Courtney Love, or Mother Teresa had grown the stretch Read More

Celebrities

Tom Cruise Backlash Queers Mission Impossible 3 Debut

Chip Hilton 429 Views 3 min read

HOLLYWOOD – A Tom Cruise backlash appears to have queered the box office for Mr. Cruise’ latest film Mission Impossible 3, which failed to measure up to expectations last weekend. MI3 earned roughly $48 million, domestic, making it No. 1 with a bullet, but the bullet was aimed at its feet. Domestic box office for MI3 had been expected to Read More

Celebrities

Jennifer Lopez Introduces Combination Grill and Small Animal Crematorium

philmaggitti 391 Views 2 min read

MALIBU – Jennifer Lopez, whom People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has attempted to make the butt of its anti-fur campaign, responded by announcing the intro-duction of the Jennifer Lopez Combination Grill and Small Animal Crematorium. “Each year the bodies of hundreds of thousands of perfectly healthy small animals harvested for the fashion industry Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Has Husband Kevin Federline Microchipped

Chip Hilton 478 Views 2 min read

MALIBU – Britney Spears has fitted her husband Kevin Federline with a microchip, hoping to accomplish with technology what she couldn’t accomplish with sex, automobiles, or childbirth. The device—a transponder, actually—was implanted between Mr. Federline’s shoulder blades recently. “Thousands and thousands of husbands run off each year and are never returned to their homes because Read More

News

Osama bin Laden Strategy for Coping with Rising Gasoline Prices

Biff Scuzzy 459 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Citing rising gasoline prices as the “greatest threat to our mission in the United States,” Osama bin Laden advised Al-Qaida members at work in America to walk or to ride bicycles when they visit Internet cafes to plan their next attack. “In your struggle to bring down the corrupt regime of George Read More

Celebrities

Will Britney Spears’ Press Conference Include K-Fed?

Chip Hilton 466 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears will hold a press conference at the Los Angeles Convention Center today. Barring the capture of Osama bin Laden, the premature birth of Angelina Jolie’s baby, or the discovery of intelligent life in the White House, Ms. Spears will be the top news story. As of this morning Ms. Spears Read More

Celebrities

Keith Richards and Kaavya Viswanathan Will File Lawsuits

Chip Hilton 439 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards and Harvard sophomore Kaavya Viswanathan will turn to the courts to seek redress for their current misfortunes, The Wall Street Journal reported this morning. Mr. Richards suffered a concussion when he fell out of a coconut tree at the Wakaya Club resort in Fiji. Ms Viswanathan suffered loss Read More

Culture

United 93 Audience Rushes Screen

Biff Scuzzy 423 Views 2 min read

MORGANTOWN, Penna. – Moviegoers at the Tri-County Multiplex rushed the screen during the 7:20 showing of United 93 Saturday night, shouting “let’s roll” and “death to all towel heads.” While most of the audience sat praying in its seats and some persons tried to phone loved ones, dozens of enraged persons ran down the aisles of theater Read More