April 2007 – Page 2 – postcards from the pug bus

Tom Cruise Challenges Global Warming Report

Chip Hilton 469 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Tom Cruise dismissed the global warming report issued by the United Nations as “a load of pseudo-scientific hooey” that offers “temporary bromides” instead of real solutions to the world’s temperature increases. Addressing a group of reporters at his son’s baseball game yesterday afternoon, Mr. Cruise demanded to know how many actually had Read More

Technology

Sluggish Vista Users Will Be Patched by Microsoft

philmaggitti 427 Views 2 min read

REDMOND, Wash. – The Microsoft Corporation has responded swiftly to complaints from Windows Vista users who reported feeling sluggish after upgrading to the new operating system. Yesterday the Redmond giant released the first of six patches that will be distributed free to certified Vista users by Microsoft-validated physicians. “The HOW starts now,” declared Microsoft co-founder Read More

Celebrities

Anna Nicole Smith Case to Be Decided by American Idol Voters

Biff Scuzzy 398 Views 2 min read

NASSAU, The Bahamas – The identity of the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, Dannielynn, will be determined by American Idol voters, a Nassau judge declared yesterday. Beginning with next Tuesday’s show, viewers will choose among lawyer Howard K. Stern, 38, photographer Larry Birkhead, 34, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s eighth husband, Frederic Prinz von Anhalt, 64, Read More

Music

Keith Richards Snorted His Cat’s Ashes

Chip Hilton 436 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Rolling Stones rhythm guitarist Keith Richards angrily denied a report that he had snorted his late father’s ashes. During a chance meeting with Rolling Stone magazine’s AARP correspondent, Anthony D. Curtis, in the men’s room of a New York City nightclub, Mr. Richards called the report “a load of bollocks” and said was going Read More

Celebrities

Anna Nicole Smith’s Daughter Identifies Her Father

Chip Hilton 474 Views 2 min read

NASSAU, Bahamas – Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, Dannielynn, spoke her first word yesterday, and the news was not good for Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, or Frederic Prince von Anhalt—all of whom claim to be her father. The word Dannielynn spoke was dada, and the person to whom she spoke it was Gareth Huffmann, a pool Read More

Sporting Life

Ohio State’s Greg Oden Out of NCAA Title Game

philmaggitti 449 Views 2 min read

ATLANTA – Ohio State freshman center Greg Oden has been declared ineligible for tonight’s NCAA championship game with the University of Florida. NCAA officials, acting on a tip, visited Mr. Oden’s MySpace page on the Internet, where they found a picture of a birthday cake with forty candles on it. Beneath the cake was the Read More

Religion

Chocolate Jesus Penis Stolen, Display Canceled

Biff Scuzzy 477 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK – Someone stole the penis from the nude, anatomically correct chocolate sculpture of Jesus Christ that had been scheduled to go on display in New York tomorrow night. The theft was discovered early this morning by a custodian at the Lab Gallery in the Roger Smith Hotel, where the exhibition was to have Read More