Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Horoscopes

Legacy Horoscopes

5 months philmaggitti
A baby curiously touching a man's face while he lies on grass.
Legacy horoscopes: because vague cosmic geometry is still more reliable than your aunt’s Facebook astrology memes.

A breathless homage to thosetrite-but-true horoscopes that have been around forever and that tell younothing bur still sound vaguelybelievable.

♈ Aries … Today is not the day for bold decisions, financial risks, emotional risks, physical risks, or mild inconveniences. The stars advise taking no action whatsoever. Ideally, remain horizontal.

♉ Taurus … You may feel a strong desire to splurge on something unnecessary. Resist. The universe is judging you. It knows what you spent on takeout last week.

♊ Gemini … Someone will ask you a question. You will answer it. Later, you will wonder why you answered it that way. This cycle continues until further notice.

♋ Cancer … Today is not the day for deep conversations. Every sentence longer than five words will backfire. Stick to gestures, shrugs, sighs, and noncommittal grunts.

♌ Leo … Your desire for attention increases. Unfortunately, everyone else is busy. Try to radiate regal disappointment. It suits you.

â™ Virgo … Your plan to organize everything will be disrupted by one small object that refuses to fit anywhere. The stars encourage acceptance, but they also admire your persistence.

♎ Libra … Someone will ask for your opinion, but they will not really want it. Offer it anyway. Your diplomatic tone will make the awkwardness feel artisanal.

â™ Scorpiom … Today is not the day to reveal secrets, even the fun ones. The stars say your “mysterious aura” is peaking. Let people wonder why.

â™ Sagittarius … Your enthusiasm will exceed the available context. People will look at you as if you are quoting a movie they have never seen. Smile through it.

♑ Capricorn …Productivity feels possible. However, the stars caution that every completed task creates another task. Pace yourself like a professional disappointment manager.

â™’ Aquarius … You will have an idea that feels revolutionary but turns out to be something people already did in 1997. Announce it anyway and hope that nostalgia is trending.

♓ Pisces … Today is not the day for clarity. Your thoughts drift downward  like discount incense. The universe whispers: “Just lie down for a while.”

For additional horoscopes from the back of beyond, click here if you dare.

The preceding is satire. Straight up, Skippy. No warranties are expressed or implied. For life advice, try a professional. For investment tips, try a dart board. For salvation, the gentleman in the robe has been handling that portfolio for 2,000 years.