Your Presidential Horoscopes

The stars do not care about your tax bracket or your credit rating. They only  want to see you fail in a way that is historically significant. If you have ever wondered why your life feels like a disorganized cabinet meeting or a slow-motion scandal, look no further than the examples of the guys who actually ran this country. Here is your presidential horoscopes forecast for today. Do not say I did not warn you.

♈ Aries

Stop trying to start a revolution in the grocery store checkout line. You have that Thomas Jefferson energy, which means you are brilliant but also definitely cannot keep it in your pants. Write a manifesto, buy some French fries, and try to go five minutes without declaring independence from your landlord.

♉Taurus

You are leaning hard into the Harry Truman vibe. You are being so stubborn that you might drop a metaphorical bomb on your friend group just to prove a point. Take a nap before you do something the history books will have to apologize for.

♊ Gemini

You are a walking John F. Kennedy press conference. You charm everyone in the room, but nobody knows which of your two faces is actually talking. Try to focus on one goal instead of starting a space race and a secret affair with a model at the same time.

♋ Cancer

Welcome to the Calvin Coolidge era of your life. You are stuck cleaning up a mess that you did not make. You just want to sit in silence and pet your dog, but the world keeps demanding you “lead” something. Tell them to talk to the hand.

♌ Leo

Bill Clinton is strong with you today. You crave the spotlight and the saxophone solo, and you are pretty sure everyone is obsessed with you. Just remember that the “I did not have sexual relations with that muffin” excuse only works once.

♍ Virgo

You are channeling William Howard Taft, which means you are a methodical bureaucrat who just wants the machine to work. You are likely to get stuck in a bathtub of your own making because you over-engineered your self-care routine. Just breathe and stop filing your receipts by color.

♎ Libra

You are totally Jimmy Carter right now. You have the purest intentions in the world, but you cannot decide what to have for lunch, let alone how to handle a hostage crisis. Stop being so nice to everyone and pick a side before the economy of your soul collapses.

♏ Scorpio

You are in full Teddy Roosevelt mode. You want to carry a big stick and bust some trusts, but mostly you are being intense and terrifying. We get it, you are powerful and mysterious. Now please stop trying to annex your neighbor’s backyard.

♐ Sagittarius

You Zachary Taylor your way through the day. You are quietly ignoring every piece of advice people give you so you can go do some petty nonsense in the corner. Stay away from iced milk and cherries, or your term might end earlier than expected.

♑ Capricorn

The Richard Nixon energy is high. You are working harder than everyone else, but you are also 100 percent convinced that your coworkers are bugging your office. Maybe stop recording your own conversations and try “trusting” people for five seconds.

♒ Aquarius

You are Abraham Lincoln, but the version that is too tired to deal with anyone’s drama. You are trying to save the union of your household while everyone else is fighting over the remote. Put on a tall hat and tell a long, confusing story until they leave you alone.

♓ Pisces

You are George Washington trying to do something “revolutionary,” but you are mostly just stressed out and wish you were at home looking at your trees. Everyone expects you to be a god, but you are really just a guy with wooden teeth trying not to lose your mind.

For additional horoscopes from the back of beyond, click here if you dare.