Silly New Year’s Resolutions for Silly People

We have peered deep into the turbulent, chaotic upheavals of the cosmos to bring you these silly New Year’s resolutions. Today the celestial alignment is more sprawlithan a spilled flagon of cheap ale.

We are currently standing on top of a concrete planter, our tights are ripped, and we are  pointing a plastic dagger at a confused family of four. The stars are not simply talking today, they are screaming

♈ Aries

The stars demand that you stop trying to joust with your mailbox. You have the energy of a man who just realized his codpiece is on backward in front of the Queen of England. Jupiter is squaring your ambition, which means you should probably put down the wooden sword and stop shouting “Huzzah” at the drive-thru speaker. You are not a knight; you are a person who needs a nap and a very large order of seasoned fries.

♉ Taurus

Your sector of comfort feels less like a velvet throne and more like you got stuck in a damp hay bale during a thunderstorm. You crave luxury, but your bank account is currently screaming in Old English. Stop trying to barter your “authentic” pewter rings for a grand slam breakfast. The waitress does not care about the lineage of your house; she just wants you to stop weeping into the syrup.

♊ Gemini

Mercury is spinning like a caffeinated juggler who just dropped three flaming torches on his feet. Your dual nature is currently battling between “I am a misunderstood artist” and “I should probably go back to school for accounting.” The universe suggests you pick a lane before you accidentally challenge your reflection to a duel. You are talking in rhymes again, and honestly, it is making everyone at the table  uncomfortable.

♋ Cancer

The moon is pulling at your emotions like a stagehand who is way too aggressive with the curtain ropes. You feel everything, mostly the itch of the polyester tunic you refuse to take off. You are seeking a sanctuary, but your “castle” is a studio apartment with a leaky faucet. Try to find peace in the fact that even if the village rejects you, the pigeons in your parking lot still think you are a god among men.

♌ Leo

You are a star. A shining, brilliant, unemployed star. The sun is illuminating your need for attention, but currently, the only audience you have is a confused security guard. You want the crown, but all you have is a plastic circlet from the clearance bin. Hold your head high1. If you are going to be a disaster, be the most dramatic disaster that Denny’s has ever seen. Throw that cape over your shoulder and exit with a flourish.

♍ Virgo

Mars is agitating your need for order in a world that is fundamentally chaotic. You are trying to rearrange condiment packets while your life feels like a collapsed tent after a mead festival. Perfection is a lie told by people who wear wool in July. Relax your grip on that laminated script. The universe is not grading your performance today, so you can stop checking the moon for typos.

♎ Libra

The scales are tipped so far into the dirt that you are  digging a trench. You are trying to find harmony between your “noble spirit” and the fact that you just got banned from the local archery range for “unauthorized theatrics.” Venus is making you crave beauty, but you look like you crawled out of a medieval gutter. Give up the act of being pulled together and just admit you are the one who started the fire in the gift shop.

♏ Scorpio

Pluto is churning in your basement like a vat of fermented honey that has gone sentient. You are brooding. You are dark. You want to uncover deep truths, but the only truth here is that you really need a shower and a new identity. Stop staring at the moon like it owes you money; it does not care about your “ancient curse.”

♐ Sagittarius

You are the wandering minstrel with no lute and a bad attitude. The stars are pushing you toward a grand journey, which currently consists of wandering toward the highway and hoping a traveling caravan—or a Greyhound bus—picks you up. You have the “spirit of adventure,” which is just another way of saying you are currently homeless and smell like a wet goat. Keep moving before the manager calls the authorities.

♑ Capricorn

Saturn is sitting on your chest like a heavy suit of armor you cannot afford to maintain. You are obsessed with your “legacy,” but your legacy is currently a pile of unpaid parking tickets and a reputation for taking “The King’s Justice” way too seriously at the grocery store. Stop trying to build an empire in a parking lot. Your ambition is impressive, but your medium—which is currently yelling at crows—is flawed.

♒ Aquarius

You are the village eccentric who thinks you can talk to the forest spirits, but the forest spirits are actually just the hum of the neon sign above the diner. Uranus is making you feel like a revolutionary, but you are just a person wearing a leather vest with no shirt underneath. You are “ahead of your time,” if your time was the year 1342 and everyone was dying of the plague. Try to connect with reality for five minutes.

♓ Pisces

You are drowning in a sea of your own imagination, which is a dangerous place to be when you are standing in a puddle behind a dumpster. Neptune has you convinced that you are a mystical seer, but you are actually just lightheaded from not eating anything but funnel cake for three days. Your dreams are vivid, but they are mostly about dragons that look suspiciously like your ex-manager, Gary. Wake up and smell the burnt coffee.

For more red-hot dispatches from a culture in decline, click this here and run for cover.