Mostly Accurate Horoscopes from Reginald Oort

Reginald Oort began providing mostly accurate horoscopes in 1987 after a brief and unhappy career as a wedding photographer. He holds certificates in Western, Vedic, and Chinese astrology. None of which he finds comforting.

Oort has published eleven forecasting almanacs that, he notes, have not prevented anything. He lives alone in Tucson. He has asked us not to describe his home. He prepared the following forecasts under protest.

🪤 ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Mars, your ruling planet, is aggressive this week, which will surprise no one, least of all Oort. By Thursday your momentum  will have deposited you somewhere inconvenient. Slow down. You won’t, but I can’t make you.

🧱 TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
The stars see an opportunity for growth and flexibility this week. Oort does not expect you to take it. Venus moves through your second house bringing a larger than expected grocery bill and a new opinion about a topic you were previously indifferent to. Your opinion will not be challenged, nor will it need to be.

🪣 GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
You have many things to say. Whether anyone needs to hear them is a question the stars and Oort decline to address. You will start something on Tuesday. You will be interested in something else by Thursday. This is not a prediction. It is a description.

🩹 CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
The moon, your ruling body, is in a sensitive configuration, which is also a description of you at most times. Someone will say something not intended as a slight, and you will carry it through the week like luggage. The stars suggest letting it go. The stars are not holding their breath.

🚽 LEO (July 23 – August 22)
You are not the only sign, Leo. There are eleven others. Oort mentions this not to wound you but because someone should tell you. A creative project beckons. You will brag to people about it before it is finished. Some of them will ask follow-up questions they do not mean.

🦠 VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Your attention to detail, which you consider a virtue, will be seen by others as a personality defect. Mercury offers some relief midweek in the form of a task that genuinely requires your oddball disposition. You will complete it correctly. No one will notice. This is, Oort acknowledges, genuinely unfair. The stars shrug. Oort has recorded the shrug.

📎 LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Venus graces your sign this week, bringing warmth, beauty, and an opportunity to make a decision you have been postponing. You will not make it. You will gather more information. By the weekend you will have arrived at a flawless position that you will revisit on Monday. Oort is tired.

🪱 SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Something is happening this week that you already suspected. You are not wrong. Oort will not confirm the specifics because the last time he confirmed specifics for a Scorpio the almanac had to be recalled. He will say the intensity you are bringing to the situation is, for once, proportionate. Do not tell anyone Oort said that.

🧻 SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Jupiter expands your confidence this week, which is like refilling a drink that no one asked to have refilled. You will make a plan. It will involve other people who have not been fully consulted. By Wednesday it will have required modification. You will describe the modification as adapting to new information and you will believe this. So, fine.

🪲 CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Saturn rewards discipline this week, which is good news for you and tiresome news for everyone eating dinner with you. A professional opportunity presents itself. You will approach it without any of the warmth that might have made the outcome more pleasant for the people involved.

🗑️ AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Uranus, your ruling planet, continues its long transit through your eleventh house, giving you the unshakeable conviction that you have identified something the rest of humanity has missed. You may be right. Oort does not rule it out. He simply notes that the last eleven times an Aquarius said this to him, nine of them were describing a podcast. Whatever it is, do not lead with it at dinner.

💤 PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Neptune deepens your capacity for inner life this week, which is a kind way of saying that you will be somewhere else, mentally, for most of it. A practical matter requires attention. It will wait. Everything, in your experience, waits. There is, on Saturday, a moment of genuine clarity. You will be asleep.

Reginald Oort no longer offers personal consultations. He has decided against them, for everyone’s sake.

Additional horoscopes from the back of beyond are waiting here if you dare.